Posted 11th May 2017 1218

I’m 26 years old and I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Straight out of HS I started a media business with 4 of my closest friends. At first it was amazing. We even expanded. We made pretty good money. Better than most in our generation. I dedicated all my time to it…I was addicted to that feeling of success like I made something of myself, but I think I also did it because it meant I got to spend time with one of the other cofounders. I never really cared about relationships, and I never really thought I was gay, I didn’t think about dudes or anything, the only sex I’ve had has been with drunk chicks and one night stands, but I loved spending time with him specifically. All of my friends made the business great but I started to realize over time it was more with him. I made up excuses for us to stay late, just so we could talk, I’d offer to carpool just to see him more. I didn’t want to admit how felt. I grew up in a pretty traditional Latino household and plus I just didn’t want to be that stereotype I had in my head about gay men. So I just kept it to myself. Around 3 years in our company started having finacial issues and he got a girlfriend. Both those things stressed me out so much, because I knew I was gonna lose him and I couldn’t have him but I couldn’t lose my company too. It went under and we all kind of dispersed. My friends that I’d had been so privledged to have so close to me for so long were gone, and he was gone too. I started living my life, decided to go to college (albeit a bit late) and I want to put myself out there and come to terms with who I am (part of me feels like it’s too late for that). It hasn’t been easy. I’m older than everyone here. I feel lonely. Maybe I’m depressed? And now my cofounder/my weird forever crush calls me and tells me he has funds to revive our business, he wants to try again. (And he broke up with his girlfriend). A huge part of me just wants to try again, go back to how things were, that business was my baby and I just love being around this man it doesn’t matter if nothing ever happens because I love him but a bigger part of me says going back is just wasting more time I don’t have, this business has been my life- for seven years now. I don’t know what to to do. I feel so low. I’ve never had a realtionship and I just feel like no matter what I do will be disappointed. So yeah, life sucks. That’s my scream into the void.

0 Comments Forgive Condemn