Posted 24th December 2014 37

A little massage savior faire.

First of all, let me make it perfectly clear that I bend towards Libertarianism & don’t have a personal problem with a rub & tug. Just don’t expect one from me. If that’s what you want, there are plenty of ads on craigslist who make it pretty clear that they will accommodate you. On the other hand, I am a grey-haired old lady & I am so not interested. I mean it. Don’t call.

I realize that a massage can create an uninvited natural reaction sometimes. If you are enjoying your massage a little too much, just ask me to leave the room if I haven’t already noticed: I tend to work with my eyes closed or zone out sometimes. If you need to adjust yourself, just say something like “I need a little privacy for a moment” and I’ll quietly step out. There are plenty of tissues & a trash can. I won’t be offended. Really.

Okay, so you’ve asked or gestured for a happy ending anyway, either implicitly or explicitly. Once I have eliminated the possibly that I’ve misinterpreted, two things are going through my head. If I have indeed misinterpreted your intentions, please read no further.

Firstly, if you can’t control yourself because it feels so good and want me to do something about it, I’ll remind you that I am an educated health care professional. A massage feels really good, but so does a rectal exam. Would you ask your proctologist for a little some-something? I think not. Don’t insult me, either.

Secondly, if you can’t control yourself because it feels so good and want me to do something about it, I’ll remind you that we are in a private room together and you are scaring me. You are jeopardizing my license AND my safety. Do you have children who might want to be a massage therapist someday? Think about it. Don’t frighten me & don’t think I won’t do anything to protect myself. I can kill you with my thumb.

And table humping is gross. Don’t do that, either. By the way, women, you are not excluded. I know you’re out there.

No apologies & no excuses, just get a grip.

ijs

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