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Afraid of life

Posted 28th August 2012 1622

Some introspection yesterday revealed that my fears and insecurities are specific to certain events and situations (ie marriage, work) but I’ve found that ultimately, I’m insecure (and hence afraid) of life. Life or reality, in my heart, is not something to be lived and enjoyed, but something to be borne or carried, something that’s a continual challenge, something that must be continual guarded against and prepped for. The insecurity seems to result in a defensive attitude towards life, that life is attacking me and I must be prepared. Underneath that defensiveness is negativity, which comes from the condemning, angry and fear-mongering voices from my youth - now perpetuated by myself.

Let me pause for a moment and contemplate life from a different vantage point – one where I have a sense of worth, one where I believe in myself and abilities, one where I walk by faith …Every day would be exciting – indeed “this is the day that the Lord has made …” Events would be there to be enjoyed and lived, great opportunities for new experiences and to express myself to the world. I wouldn’t need to escape from reality anymore because reality would be the place to be.

How do I get there? This is a start, recognizing that most of my reactions are not really mine, or at least, they come from an unhealthy place, a place that needs cleaning and reordering. So when the insecurities and fears come I can call them out and try to let go of the old ways and walk in the light.

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