Posted 29th November 2010 2132

I told my doctor I was scared of taking such powerful and addictive medication for my pain. I told him I had been down this road before, I became addicted to an addictive medicine, that my family has a history of drug abuse, that it was difficult for me to psychologically stop. I told him last time the insurance stopped paying the doctors stopped accepting my visits. He promised me, “It’ll be ok. We are here for you. I won’t let that happen to you again.”
What he really meant: as long as you still have someone to pay your bills we’ll be here for you.
The lawyers cut me off. It came out of no where and I’m left empty haned. I used to hate all doctors because of being in this very position before; no dr would see me, no dr would care. I knew they were leeches who only profit off of peoples pain. I WAS SUCH A FOOL! I believed him when he said he wouldn’t let that happen to me again. I TOLD HIM I TRUSTED HIM. that i thought he was different than other doctors. The only difference was that he had looked me in the eyes as he lied.
By the way, Dr.S, I was drinking every day on that medicine b/c it wasn’t enough for the pain. you dropped the level of morphine after my epideral last summer, but you know damn well that it’s worn off! Now that I know my only choice is deal with it, check into an out of state detox center or, find a local morphone clinic and get in line with the rest of ‘em, all at my own expense. I can’t believe you lied to me, I thought you had an obligation to help, i didn’t realize that obligation stopped as soon as insurance stopped or the lawyers decided they had to cut me off or they’d make less off my case.
I hate that in a country I have been proud of my whole 23 yrs I am not protected after crime. Some inconsiderate fucking drunk teenagers can change your life forever in one night, and if your expenses are too high, your resulting medical care too extensive, you will be denied being fixed. I thought we treated each other better here than anywhere else. That there was a reason our industry was strong and that the people could succeed through enough trying. That there was some sort of sense of right and wrong in America, we made sure of it. That the good people were protected from these things. That all my dreams, knowledge and hard work would give me a chance. I’m so mad that they could do that to anybody. My heart would break for another in my position and even my friends have turned they’re backs. She was right, I turned into a bump on a log.
I was the kind of person who had dreams. The kind of person who valued the short time we had on this planet. The kind of person who pulls over to ask those walking on the street if they need a ride. The person who gives to the homeless. The person who cries at night for those living in a less fortunate world. Where are my prayers? My sister makes fun of me for the weight ive put on since my injuries. I used to love the outdoors, camping, hiking, I was never wealthy but I thanked God every day for the treasures this world gives us all. The only lessons I’ve learned are that drs truly are in it soley for money; can’t trust them. Lawyers have no souls. Good or bad, friends (usually) are only human, and when you change enough, they will leave you. And I did, I changed. I was outgoing, bubbly, friendly, sympathetic, adventurous, athletic, ambitious. Now I’m a blob, more in common with a senior citizen then college kids. Until recently, none of my GRANDPARENTS were this slow or delicate. I was told if I was injured in the neck again, I could be paralized, on a breathing machine. That I was lucky not to be in that position now, that it was incredible that one of my arms works at all. I don’t bathe as much as I should because it’s so painful. I had to chop my hair off because I lack the ability to wash my own hair. I know I am whining, I know I should accept this as a challenge like I have in my past. I think what bothers me the most is I had no control over the situation, for the first time i feel truly victimized. I’ve been raped 3 times, one of which was an abduction & gang rape situation. I grew up experiencing physical abuse and addicts. We were poor, I was made fun of; I found all that to be so petty, now that I was old enough to have some control. I fought so hard to make up for my parents mistakes. I wanted so much to be normal, to feel normal. It was easy after what happened to turn to alcohol. Nothing else worked, the codine medicine made me so violently ill i’d rather entertain suicidal thoughts before taking more to fight my pain. I had conquered so much already in my life. I hate myself for being broken over a physical injury, one of many I’ve had in my life. Nothing this bad, but still. I thought I was stronger. Maybe I’ll make it yet, what else can I do? I feel much better for letting all this out, it’s been almost 2 years and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

2 Comments Forgive Condemn