By the time you read this…

Posted 27th December 2011 39

By the time you read this, I’ll still be alive. I’m not planning on killing myself… yet, but I know that I inevitably will one day.

Why? Because I know that barring some big change, I’ll probably end up with nothing when I get older. My father made poor choices, which means that he’ll have nothing to leave my sisters and I when he dies. He owns nothing. My mother is in a similar situation, having nothing to leave us either. What little my grandparents could leave my mother will probably be eaten up by a greedy cousin who already has tons of money but still wants to get part of the meager sale of my grandparents’ house. (My mother does not want to sell it but my grandparents don’t want to change the will even though they’ve openly stated that they want her to get the house.) The kicker is that the cousin runs an organization for needy women but refuses to help his own family because he delusionally believes that my mother is responsible for his parents’ divorce. (Hint: she’s not and she never was. His father always intended to leave his mother, his mom is just so spiteful that rather than admit she and her ex were equally responsible for the divorce, she chose to blame it on other people.) Part of the reason he wants the house is so he can hurt my mother.

My sisters and I are scattered to the winds and I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I’m trying to get my college degree, but it’s taking such a long time and I’m not sure if I’ll be guaranteed to have a job at the end of it. I wish I’d been able to complete it sooner, but I had to care for other people so they could finish their degrees and have a comfortable life. (Now when I need their help, they’ve taken off!) I’m incapable of having a successful relationship, so having kids and a good relationship is not something I’ll ever have.

I have nothing to look forward to and I refuse to live off of my sisters’ goodwill once I get too old to be able to support myself, although that probably would never be a problem since one of my sisters is unwilling to show me the same support in the here and now that I showed her when she was down on her luck.

I’m going to try my hardest to avoid this fate, but as each year passes I’ve got the sinking feeling that I won’t die in a warm bed but by my own hand and there’s not much I can do about it.