Posted 9th December 2011 2021

In May you asked me to come home. You said we’d be ok, that we’d work thru everything. That you could and had forgiven me for what I’d done…

The next 5 months were rough- lots of arguing, lots of being alone because you were working or out with friends- drinking, embarrassed of me- we didn’t even have our own place…we had one room, in your brother’s house, with your entire family. I still felt guilty for what I’d done.
5 months since you asked me to come home, 5 months since I figured out how stupid I’d been, 5 months of trying so hard to fix what I’d broken….It took 5 months for me to figure out you’d been lying to me.

You spent at least the last 2 months dating another girl. You acted like nothing was wrong. I found out from someone else that you wanted a divorce…I found out from your mother…
How long had you know?
Why didn’t you just tell me?
Why weren’t you honest about it?
…I was honest abut my affair…I told you about it…I left you.
You asked me to come home. I did everything you asked- I stopped talking to him, I started being part of the family again (no more hiding in our room because I was ashamed), I got active and started exercising, I asked if you wanted my child to be put up for adoption because she isn’t yours (I’d even offered to have her aborted the day I found out…and I think that’s a terrible crime)…

For 5 months I did everything I could to be a good, loving wife to you. I asked you what I was doing wrong or if there was something else I should be doing… You always said I was doing fine.

The last serious conversation we’d had was the night before I found out about the divorce, about the other girl…. We’d talked about how things were going between us, you’d said we weren’t getting divorced. I was devistated when I found out. I was a wreck when you confirmed it.

I stuck around for another week, thinking maybe we’d misunderstood each other…. we hadn’t.
You started bringing your gf over and I was losing weight still (6months pregnant and losing weight= really not good)
I knew I couldn’t stay any longer…
I made a call and within 2 days I was gone.

I’m living with my parents, I’m due this month, and we are sometimes talking….

I miss you. I love you still.

You said you’ll try to visit over the holidays. You’ve said you miss me…
I want to come home. I want to work things out. I want us to be together….
but…you have to want that too.
I’m not divorcing you. You’re divorcing me…aren’t you? I haven’t seen any papers and you’ve said things that make me wonder- “if i don’t take you back by then…” “if you’d have me…” “believe it or not I miss you alot too.” “you’re beautiful”

Even if you asked me to come back…there is such a short time before you’d leave again…I hate your job. I don’t want you in danger…I don’t want you to be fighting a war… I don’t want to be worrying about you every moment for another year.
Can we fix ‘us’ in 3 months and then survive a year of separation?

Am I being stupid to hope that we might make it thru everything that has happened?
I love you…please, take me home?

2 Comments Forgive Condemn