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Depression

Posted 31st August 2013 19

Opinions.

Motherfucking opinions.

Everyone is entitled to ab opinion. The very ability to think gives you the right to string together loosely related knowledge you have on a subject in order to create your own truth on it. This is your opinion. Opinions, as we know, vary from person to person. Son match, others don’t. And when they don’t match, you get conflict. The two people with these opinions either duke it out or pretend the other person doesn’t exist, or on rare occasions they tolerate each other and get on with their lives.

What does this have to do with depression? Well, imagine having these two conflicting opinions, but only one mind to think it. How do you get away from conflict if it is in your own head? A lot of people on here, I personally have noticed, have all said that they hate themselves. Why? Can you explain it? Some people can, others cant. If you cant, then that’s fine. It may be that either your hormones are messing with you or your in the first few stages of depression. I, however, think I’m beginning to get a grasp on why I hate myself so much.

I have full knowledge of what I am doing, have all the solutions to my problems available, and yet I refuse to do anything about it. I am constantly at war with my subconscious, trying to find a way to break through these obstacles that are strewn across my life. And yet, me and my mind constantly wind up in stalemate.

Before, I hit depression pretty badly when my friends all dropped me like a sack of shit when I met my first girlfriend. My depression grew when she cheated on me. Well, surprise surprise, depression thrives on shit like this. That’s when it takes a hold of a weak mind. It stops you from thinking straight, acting properly. I ended up dropping out of university due to “financial reasons”, when i know the truth was i couldn’t stand being anywhere near my ex. Then, tuition fees triple. No way Id ever get a chance to get my degree when i sorted by head out… Pile on the depression. I meet my second girlfriend, we move on together, we get engaged, i thought id finally have everything. Shit finally went my way but no. I lose everything over a friend… She leaves me, takes the flat, and i lose my job within a week. How i didn’t slit my wrists right there and then is beyond me (as i type this, the thought ‘first world problems’ cones to mind).

Let’s move on. A year and a half passes. No job, no home, living with my folks. I cant keep bumming off of then forever, so I decide to see what its like to truly be homeless. I leave my parents for just one day and one night. Not much, right? To truly be homeless would imply living on the street for at least a couple of months (my intention) but when all your life, you’ve known the comforts of a nice two floored semidetached house, suddenly sharing a bed with a drug dealer while he courts his stock would probably be enough of a shock to get your shit together.

Or so you’d think. One attempted suicide, you’d hope, would do it instead. Waking up in hospital is not my idea of fun, let me tell you. You wind up with all the same kinds of quacks who tell you what you’re thinking. Truth is, only you truly know what you’re thinking. And when you’re depressed, it is no shock to hear you don’t know what you are thinking either.

Not long after that I somehow manage to get back on my feet. I now have a job, a ‘home’ (just a bedsit for now), an ass on of new buddies, and a beautiful girlfriend.

But within the last couple of days, my depression hass returned. My antidepressants aren’t coping… And I’ve been on way too many kinds to try anything new. I have spend the last three days in bed when i know i could be out in the sun, or at the very least working the hours I’m meant to. I am stuck in that pit of self pity and hatred, knowing that I can easily do all of the things I am capable of. But I cant, because my mind wont let me.

On top of that, we have social media (yaaaaay) filled with ignorant fucktards who have no idea just how devastating depression really is. You get statuses along the lines of “Jeez atop posing depressing statuses and just do something about it already, Christ!!” Yeah, sounds like a plan buddy lemme just get right on that wait nope sorry cant because i don’t apparently see the point in existence and any actions within it.

Funny thing is, i really don’t. I have all this great shit going for me right now and I cant help but see it as pointless. And i just wanna die. But at the same time, i have so much good going for me that to waste it would also be pointless. So i should live and my depression can suck it.

Mu mind is at constant war, jumping between pros and cons for both life and death as i just sit here in bed, tapping away at my phone, ranting to the world about how fucked my head is.

But hey, that’s just my opinion.

depression rant life confusion opinion

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