Posted 5th January 2014 511

Friends are great. Wait, what? That’s right, they aren’t. It sucks when you know that your friends are beginning to not care about you. I hate the glazed look they get in their eyes when I talk to them, or the tone of their voices when I speak to them. I can hear their “I am greater then thou” complex dripping from their speech. I hate not being able to turn to them. I’ve had so much shit in my life lately; I don’t want to bother them, though. I want to desperately tell someone that I think my father is drinking again. But, I feel like they don’t fucking care anymore. My life has completely changed and it’s like I’m inconveniencing them when I talk about it. So I keep my mouth shut.

I guess I could tell my boyfriend. The one person keeping me sane. But, I can’t unload all of my crazy, fucked up shit on him. I don’t want to scare him off. Besides, he has enough to deal with on his own. I don’t want to burden him. I don’t want to make things awkward by making them super serious. I guess I am just afraid. I’m afraid that he will leave, like my dad. Like one day he will be here and the next not. I’m scared he will decide to stop loving me. So, I keep my mouth shut.

I’m not happy. I’m not depressed either. I’m just meh. Want to hear a secret, though? I miss being depressed. It’s like that is my natural state. Anything different feels weird. I know how to be sad all the time. I know how to hate myself so much that I feel trapped. I know how to count every single calorie and eat no more then 800 a day. But, then I tried being happy. That meant gaining weight and not worrying that much. The problem is, I’ve always worried. And I don’t fucking know what to do. Even in this confusion, I keep my mouth shut.

I have grown up in a world where other peoples’ problem are more important than my own. When I choose being happy, I end up losing friends. I have been there for everyone, knowing the feelings that they are going through. They aren’t there for me though. They never even ask. Maybe I hide it so well. Maybe it is because I keep my mouth shut.

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