Posted 21st November 2016 1924

for some reason i fall in love with her in my first sight. She is just a random girl I saw in a coffee shop. I got her LINE ID, I thought she was giving a sign for us to be able to keep in touch because she did not just go quickly after talking with her client. I who close my heart tightly, blown away by the smile and the beauty of her. how many monsths since i felt like this? long time ago, but this is greater. i feel not want to lose her. i love her, but do I love her?. my logic is being fucking screwed. serotonin is high dopamine is low until she show a sign to open her heart to me. But I know she won’t. She won’t replied my message, she just give her ID in her hesitation. A million fucking times I know this would happen and it was fine for me, but this time..why? WHY THE FUCK I CANT GET RID OF HER FROM MY MIND! I have a wonderful future career wait for me. I will obviously meet someone better than her, someone who will save me from the darkness which is killing me and dragging me to hell. But I’m not sure if it will happen. Maybe I will meet a wonderful woman, but with me hiding my darkness inside. Because people love good lies rather than harsh truth right?? Right??!!

I hate myself. How many times I really really fall in love with someone, I want to give everything to her, I want to protect her, and in the end…she just fuck everything!!!! Fuck it!! Fuck it!! That’s good I toyed with women until these days!! I bought their pussy!! At least I can buy their pussy!!hahahahaha!!!

Please help. I know God never exists. Like digimon, it never exists. It is just a human story of imagination to soothe the feeling of needing something fucking impossible. But I like digimon, I wish it is exist because it is cool. Same as God. I wish God exists to help me, pulling me out from darkness because my hand cannot be raised anymore, even I cant scream help, even I cant walk.

I know I am just weak person, I dont like hide everything. I dont want to become someone who is not me. But who am I? Who am I? I always change. I always change. According to what people want. People never accept weaknesses. Even though they are fucking imperfect. They are assholes. But I need them. To survive. I become fake. To impress people. So I can get what I need. Friends, network, information, help, etc. But who are my truly friends are? I have some best friends but do they really think of me as a good friend? Do I really think them as good pals?

24/7…24/7…. I wish I can die…end all of those pains…because nobody can cure me…nobody can help me….nobody wants to help me…

I know this is stupid but I will end my story with this

Help me
God

If necessary
Kill me

Because You hate me right? I am a black duck. Unlike Your beloved children.

You hate me because I am an ugly duckling. If o am to be sent to hell. I know I deserve it

From someone
Who is nothing

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