Posted 3rd April 2012 1924

I am sick of my job because it is crap and my bosses put me on even after I have said I couldn’t work.(multiple times too!!!). My mother! Controlling cow that says I do nothing which is crap! I spend all day at uni and then work on weekends and never ask for any money or anything and pay board!!!! I even offer to help her with her work but noooo my sister can but I AM TOO FREAKEN DUMB TO EVEN CLEAN A HOUSE. My perfect sister that practically lies to my family barely studied in grade twelve and just got into uni. My parents made me write her English assignments and for the record I am not that good at English just average. No one ever did an assignment for me why the hell did I do them for her!!!!! I got in early and my mother yelled at me for not telling her and I got into a massive national competition which is kinda a big deal for my area of study and bam how much is that going to cost her???? UMMMM cow wasn’t going to ask you for money just be happy for me for once noooo lets tell everyone and boost about how proud you are of me and how you are such a great mother! but be a cow to me while none is looking. Literally everyone, people I had never met before from her work came up to congratulate me and I wasn’t telling anyone cas all I wanted was her to be happy for me for once! I mean its not much to just say that’s great news! like how hard is that???? Instead you never think of the consequences. She treated me as if I had done something wrong!!!!!I just didn’t want to tell anyone either cas I don’t know just seems like your blowing your own horn. I don’t messed up. Never have enough money I really need a car aye and move out of home but no funds!!! I have like this guy for three years now and well nothing is happening there. Pretty much the story of my life. But hey creepy guys have no problem liking me. Maybe I am just creepy hahah. Okay this is something that a guy said to me last year ” I could see you being the mother of my children. You would be a good mother I reckon.” WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLL! YUCK! Completely random to just walking to a class and that is a great way to break the silence. I laughed it off at the time but soooooooooo creepy! Then this really nice guy likes me but I only see him as a friend. I have tried so hard to see him more but I just can’t. Probs what the guy I like thinks about me :( . Stupid universe. If I could have one wish it would be him. As cheesy as that sounds its true. He isn’t perfect but I really love the conversations we have and he has always been there for me. He has saved me from some pretty awkward situations and I can say practically anything to him and he does judge me hahahahha but the fact is I can say it. He is amazing too I love his dedication and his self determination it inspires me. He is extremely insensitive sometimes and I know he has flaws but I like him regardless. I wish he felt the same way but he is leaving soon for a few years which I reckon will be good for me to try and forget him except he wants me to write but I would rather not just so I can forget but I probs will who knows. AGGGH Seriously wish I could get over him. Whenever I start liking someone else stupid coincidences throw me back into seeing him heaps and BAM I like him all over again and it makes me sad because he clearly will never like me. Oh by the way never kissed anyone and I am 18 almost 19 pretty pathetic aye. I am not ugly just saying! Maybe I am :( Maybe I am too immature stupid. Who knows just sick of everything! I have contemplated suicide but I think that was me being melodramatic which I am. I do think sometimes everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. I know so many people have far worse problems and like my sister tells me my problems are stupid and childish which is probably true. But I am hurting so much and I am sick of it. I just wished someone cared! I laugh a lot and I smile a lot. I mean from the outside I look like a perfectly happy girl. The truth is most of the time I just feel like screaming and crying. I am drowning in my life and I think my problem is I wish I was a different person, I hate myself. I will never be good enough and I don’t know what will make me happy but I just feel like I am suffocating with my own expectations. I have so many things to be grateful for but at the moment I am just hurting and I feel very unloved.

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