Posted 27th September 2011 910

I’m sensitive. I’m very sensitive.In other words, I’m a pain in the ass, I’m paranoid, I’m selfish.
I feel sooo alone lately. I feel like I’m not special to my fiance. My reasoning? well it’s dumb.
see…his sister doesn’t treat him right. She says shit about me, she doesn’t seem to care about him, she put him down a lot, doesn’t stick up for him…. and yet he forgives her in the blink of an eye and is back to saying how beautiful she is etc etc….
Me? I have to work for his love. I stick by his side, I suffer with him, I give my all…. and yet every few months I get the “you don’t appreciate me” “this relationship is one sides” “you are always studying” speeches. I feel she is his queen, not me. She is the beauty, not me.
We talked about how our kids will be super hot….
He’s like she will have blond hair, blue eyes, a small waist, long skinny legs…big ass and big tits.
So pretty much she will only get my ass and tits. Though even that im not sure off cuz the other day I was saying how it seems impossible to be skinny and have big ass and big tits and he’s like ya…my sister does though.
So who knows! maybe his perfect woman is her!

iono…thing is everyone sees her beauty except some. My guy cousin was like eww she looks like a man (no he was not influenced by me since i told him nothing about her). My friend was like she looks like a horse!!! But strangely enough the rest of the world seems to think she is a beauty queen. And that wouldn’t bug me if she didn’t have the snobby attitude to match and it my fiance didnt seem to think his sister is hotter than me.

Anyway, it just seems like no matter what she does…she is the shit to him. He may say wow that was a dumb move….but he is still there taking her side.
I dont want him to dislike her….i just want to know that when I am his wife, I will come first. If we fight, he will back me up. If we are both pregnant, he will be MY supporter.
But iono…the first time he seemed to consider breaking up with me like seriously was because i wrote to my friend saying how mean she was being to him and how upset i was at her for that. My fiance said he wouldn’t ever leave his family (which i dont want him to!!!!) and that we werent going to work out.
I hope he realizes that when we get married….i will be his family too. I will be his immidiate family as the matter of fact.

I just feel so alone. I feel so ugly. I feel so unsafe.I feel like he will always take her side no matter what. She will always have his love, I will always have to work for it.
Thing is…i dont have a brother, I was taken away from my cousins when I was little, and my parents are awesome but really close minded and i cant tell them anything about me.
So all I have is him. He is my world…

But I’m not his.
I feel this terrible mean jealousy towards her. I feel so betryaed that she wanted him to cheat on me. I feel so hurt that she said he needed someone hot and beautiful and that all his friends agreed.

I know I’m fat. I know it. I know I need to get skinny. But iono…i keep eating and eating the more alone i feel. Im going to starve starting tm. I dont care if i get sick i really dont. I want to be skinny. im sick and tired of feeling like my fiance might think his sister is hotter than me.

Gosh I just feel so alone.
I want to die again. He had saved me from suicide but i want it again.
I know it’s dumb but…i mean c’mon…even at my engagement party i get told “wow your sister in law to be is gorgeous” instead of “you look beautiful” or something.

and iono….it seems like the more time he spends with his sister, the less i make him laugh. He seems bored talking to me and only laughs with her.
And the other day i went over…and i realized all the names he calls me (nicknames), he calls her them too! =(
I just feel replaced. I am losing my fiance….and i have no one to talk to since he is also my best friend.
I wanna die i truly do.

2 Comments Forgive Condemn