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I Kinda Hate Myself

Burn

Posted 21st February 2012 1016

I don?t know if I?m gay, but i know I?m not straight and i guess this not knowing what to call myself ( amongst so many other things, including the fact that my friendship group of 10 years has only ever seen me as straight, the fact that for some reason the word ?lesbian? has always seemed to be the one chosen for teasing me and i?ve always laughed it off?as well as some cowardice) is the reason for my failing to come out. I don?t know what to come out AS. Any time i?ve thought i was attracted to a guy i?ve quickly become repulsed by them sexually and romantically, and started thinking of girls again. But I?ve never been with a girl. What if i come out as a lesbian and then i meet the one guy i do like? But when i think that, i think, i?d be disappointed if that happened, i?d rather meet a girl :L It never ends, this questioning, i wonder if there?s anyone in the world that knows less about themselves than i do about myself :/
I feel like nobody knows who i really am, least of all me, and that i act so differently to how i feel or want to act that i have no control over myself whatsoever. Like just now, on the phone to my friend, a boy in school was mentioned, and i found myself saying ?I don?t care how many girls he dates, he is so gay!? to which my friend agreed, then ?It makes me angry, these people should just come out?. I think i sounded joking, but i have absolutely no idea why i said it, it just blurted out, even as i was saying it i was screaming ?wtf??? at myself in my head, but i couldn?t stop. And obvoiusly for me ?coming out? is a sensitive topic, and not a joke. I do stuff like this a lot. It?s like a compulsion, then i beat myself up about it after. And the more i say stuff like this, the harder it?ll be to come out and the more of a big deal my hiding my sexuality will seem to my friends in retrospect. If i?m ever big enough to tell them. I hate myself.

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