Posted 1st September 2015 1739

Everyone lies. But I can’t stop. I just got in trouble with my parents yesterday. I feel like total shit. I told my dad I was working all day, but I wasn’t even working half a day. I just spent the whole day with my boyfriend. And this isn’t the first time I told that lie.
The first time this happened I was actually supposed to work the whole day, but my boss told me she over scheduled people and to not come in. I didn’t wan’t to tell my parents because I knew they’d have a whole bunch of chores and favors for me to do now that I wasn’t working, and that once they came home I wouldn’t get to do anything. So I just drove to my boyfriends house and hung out the whole day, then came back in my uniform.
I did it again yesterday, but this time they caught me. I feel awful. Now they think I’m sleeping with my boyfriend (Even though I’m not!), and I’ve once again lost all their trust. I’m an awful person. They gave me chance after chance. Sure they’re really strict, and they make mistakes but not bad parents. They don’t hurt me. They tell me how much they love me all the time (even after yesterdays lecture) But I can’t tell them the truth about anything. Even yesterday I couldn’t say a word to them, because I knew if I opened my mouth I would just lie to them. Right now typing this my head is spinning and I feel like vomiting, that’s how torn up I feel. But I still can’t be honest with them.
This isn’t the first time they’ve caught me in a lie. In fact I lie to them all the time. I don’t know why. I lie to them about even the littlest thing. I’ll lie about being hungry when I’m not. I lie about whether I finished my homework. About what I did with a friend that day. About how my sleep was. About whether I’m feeling anxiety. About things I like and don’t like, even about my route when I walked the dog! Anything! And it’s not just with them! I feel like I can’t tell the truth. Sometimes I lie without even thinking. I’ll even lie in my JOURNALS! In my diary! These are things only I will ever see! But I still lie? Why is that? It’s like I can’t function being honest.
The only person I don’t lie to is my boyfriend. Ok, well that’s a lie.
I lied to him once, and I fessed up to it half an hour later. But I’m honest with him. That’s probably why I like to hang out with him so much. But I ruined everything. My parent’s probably hate him. I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. I just want to disappear. I’m pathetic right? I just reread this. I don’t sound like a 20 year old woman at all. I sound like a whiny, bitchy little girl. It’s what I am to be honest. I’m an awful person and I don’t know how to be good.
I’m not sure what else to write so I guess I’ll stop here.

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