Posted 24th October 2013 39

My first marriage was never accepted by my family. I spent ten years of my life feeling in the middle of my ex and my family. I moved all over the country because I didnt feel comfortable being near my family as long as I was with my ex. When we split up, my family didnt console me.. instead they felt the need to remind me how much they thought she was a piece of shit. I guess I should mention Im a lesbian and although my family insists they are not biggots, I know otherwise becuase I grew up in that house and I myself was very homophobic before I realised I was gay. Because I was subjected to hate mongrels my entire life to that point. Anyway I have recently become engaged to another partner and my biggest fear telling my family was that they wouldnt support me in this marriage either. I couldnt bear the thought of entering in a new marriage without the support of those closest to me. It took me two months to get the courage to tell my mother. When I did I got the reaction of “I dont know what to tell you about that”. Then she changed the subject entirely to how much of an ass my dad is. I admit i flew off the handle and posted my anger and frustration to a public forum, calling out my family without the use of names and letting them know that I was angry. Im upset because i support all of them equally, thru thier own marriages, and announcements of engagements and adoptions and promotions ect but when it comes to my happiness, I dont even get a congratulations?!? Then my oldest brother goes on to further insult my fiance’ when hes only met the girl 2-3 times. He accused her of “telling stories” or in other words, called her a liar and attacked her family, her character and integrity while also comparing stating that shes just like my ex. He was mad becuase I put him in the spotlight and called bullshit in a public way. I am upset with myself for doing this becuase I lost control of my anger. I had an emotional outburst that was the result of ten years of feeling unsupported and suppressed. But what happened as a result of that was way out of hand. Im not sure who to be mad at any more. I felt justified doing what I did at first but now Im pissed off at my brother for what hes said about my girl and im mad at myself for losing control and ultimately setting myself and my partner up for attacks. This is what I didnt want but ultimately I brought it on and now I have no idea how to fix it. Now I will enter another marriage without my family being anywhere involved and this hurts me most of all. I shouldnt have to choose between my family and my partner. Especially when I have accepted each and every one of their partners and been happy for their happiness reguardless of my personal opinion of these people. I dont know what to do now. My choices feel limited; walk away from my familiy’s judging hatred forever or try to repair and live an oppressed life where everything is fine as ong as we dont talk about it. I lived that way for 10 years and I was not happy. The only reason I held on to my family is becuase I have several nieces and nephews that I dont want to lose in this battle. And in a way, I am what their parents teach them to hate and my presence in their lives could maybe be the one thing to allow them to grow up and make their own decisions. Im so lost right now.

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