Posted 2nd July 2011 2941

I hate this.
I really don’t think I’ll ever find anyone that will fall in love with me.
On the outside, I come off as so confident, so beautiful, so intelligent, so everything, and I am-a truly amazing woman. I am enjoying life. But inside, it hurts. It’s not that I won’t ever find anyone, but the fact that if I do, I don’t think I’d ever be able to accept him. If he were to offer his kind hand to me in my time of need, I would shove it away, curse him, and run far away!… I always told myself that I would never get married, have kids, fall in love, NEVER. I tell myself it’s those types of experiences that transforms people into horrible things. I just want to be single forever and live my life, doing what I love, traveling the world, actually contributing to society rather than living in my own selfishness… But the idea of being alone forever, hurts. Bad. Some days I feel optimistic, and I WANT to find the one person in life that will be my one and only and everything I could ever ask for, the kind of guy, who,even after an early death, you would NEVER think of remarrying again. The kind of guy who was your best friend when your best friend was gone. The kind of guy who will be there with you, by your side, forever and ever, supporting in your dreams when no one else would. I love to sing. I sing lots of old love songs, back when I was good and choir didn’t traumatize me and my voice, because they’re so beautiful and full of passion-I want a romance like that. No, I want a love, a life like that. I’m beautiful, but I’ve never kissed anyone ever. I’m scared to get close to guys that aren’t already friends. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to live in the misery of a short-lived love like my parents have. I don’t want to end up as the girl who thought she was in love after knowing a guy for 5 years who didn’t and couldn’t forsee it becoming an inescapable 20 year abusive relationship.I cry when I see what my parents have become, but I still love them. Every day I keep this secret about my parents hidden, my close friends know nothing when they see my smiling face. Please, please, I don’t care if it takes 10, 20 or 50 years to meet him…maybe, once I realize what a gift he is to me, how happy he makes me and how much he loves my singing when everyone else hates it, I won’t be afraid of loving him.
But I don’t know if I’d still push him away after that.

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