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I feel lost.

Posted 3rd November 2012 15

A few months ago you would have caught me saying “I’m not ready to graduate. I’m having too much fun to want to leave.” But it’s a different story now.

As of late I haven’t been feeling quite like myself. I’m not motivated to do my work. The drive to keep up my 4.0GPA isn’t there anymore. I’m sleepy. In fact all I want is sleep. I don’t want to watch TV (like I even had time to in the first place, ha). I haven’t been playing much guitar (but when I do I get sort of frustrated that I can’t remember certain songs, not having played in a while. But it helps… playing). I spend a lot of time on tumblr. I think I might be distancing myself from my friends. I don’t really… enjoy my friends as much as I used to… I still have fun with them, but something is different. It’s like.. they’re like a distraction. I have fun when I’m with them, but it’s when I think about them that I feel I don’t enjoy my time with them. Like, I don’t really WANT to go to a friend’s house but when I end up going there things are okay.
My favorite teachers/classes aren’t as fun as they were last year. Maybe it’s the content of the class… I don’t know. They’ve got a lot on their plates this year, more than last year anyway.
I’ve been looking in the mirror a lot. I don’t know why. I’ll just stare at myself for a good 5 or 10 minutes. I’ve been crying a lot this year. Like… I only get like this when I have time to sit and think about my life. And that’s when I’m not at school, or XC practice, or doing homework (which I don’t do very much of anymore), or doing this girl scout gold award project, or applying/looking at colleges. If I just sit and think, it really wears me out emotionally. Typing this is rather difficult.
I want to blame my schedule and stress for my emotional state but… who’s to say I’m in a “state”? What if my workload isn’t THAT heavy? Maybe I’m just a wimp. I’ve already established that I can’t handle things like hate and arguments and fighting… I just can’t stand people being terrible to each other. And it happens all the time. I can’t handle it. I’m the kind of person that not only needs rose colored glasses, but her whole world needs to be rose colored too. And that makes me really disappointed in myself because all those horrible things are doing to happen anyway, and if I can’t handle it then who am I to try and help stop it?

And what really bugs me is I don’t want to feel happy again. I’m sort of considering not submitting this because I know that typing all this out is going to help me feel better. It’s like I just want to wallow in my misery. Which is pointless and unproductive. I just don’t have a desire to try anymore. Everything is really disappointing when I sit down and look at it.

I’m going to go to bed. And when I wake up, I hope I feel like I had slept for 100000 years.

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