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I hate myself.

Posted 3rd September 2010 51

When I say that, I really mean it. Not in the way of “oh I’m so sad and depressed, I suck at everything, I’m ugly and I want to die” kind of way, no.

I hate myself. The way you’d hate someone you really want to hurt. I abuse myself verbally daily, record it and listen to it. If I could, I would skin myself alive or beat myself to death. If I could, I would shoot myself and gut myself and fucking burn myself to death. I could strangle myself, break my bones and just hurt, hurt, hurt myself.

I really, really, really hate myself. I’m despicable, pathetic, scum and worst of all - no one else realizes it. Don’t fucking look up to me, I’m not worth it. I’m one of those people who deserve pain and grief till I go mad.

Sometimes all I want to do is tear the skin off my face, but I can’t. I can’t show any outward signs of how I feel, because I know that to some people I’m the one who supposedly signifies kindness and survival and - hah - WISDOM. And as much as I hate myself and my rotten existence, I hate the idea of hurting any of those kids even more.

I wasn’t born this way. I don’t know what went wrong and when. I know that one day I’ll probably off myself, but hopefully by then I’ve managed to figure out how to make it look like an accident.

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Comments

Posted by righttherewithyou 4th October 2010

i know all too well exactly how you feel. it is the most horrible way to feel. to truly hate your own reflection. to hate yourself so much you want to rip your own face off….

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