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I hate myself. Really.

Posted 12th March 2012 16

I know these types of messages might generate an eyeroll or two and I perfectly understand. You don’t have to agree with me at all and I certainly won’t pressure anyone.

Fact is, I live in a first-world country, not exactly poor in wealth and I am “healthy”. What’s there to complain about right? I get it.

Still, what the above doesn’t reveal is that I’ve fucked up my life, quite possibly permanently. I was a university student but I crashed and burned there, mostly due to depression and I just gave up on myself there.

Yet, my depression could be traced further than that: semi-broken family with weak male role models and pretentious people all around. I’m very much a product of these people and as I write this, I hate every single fiber of myself - every bit.

I’ve been so discouraged by life that I’m on neutral and I’m just coasting by. I actually know how to drive (skill wise) but I can’t (I’m really scared to get the actual driving test done). I was REALLY close to passing on my second try and it was the rear stall parking that messed me up. However, I’m approaching my mid 20s and it is embarrassing to be without a license of some sort. It makes ‘dating’ nearly impossible. I’m short-ish - 5′6.5 AND I’m like a twig. I run pretty fast though. As a guy, very few women will want a guy like me, with or without my emotional baggage.

When I write something like this out, my personality flaws are just going to shine right through and you know what, I understand that. I’m self-aware of what I lack. I’m not a mean person that’s rejected by society. In fact, I’m quite the opposite, I see myself as a nice person that doesn’t judge other people. I have no problems making friends but when it really doesn’t seem that I’m boyfriend material, which of course, further solidifies the argument that I’m useless.

I want to be a hero. I want to do something good for society. I’m not a bad person necessarily. I want to be a cop yet I don’t think I’ll meet their requirements whatsoever. At least then I won’t be that invisible man anymore. No I’m sure what I’m wishing for and I don’t need to be careful. My disappearance on this earth will not be profound, though some people might ask some questions. I see myself as having little utility to a society that is filled with intelligent and useful people.

This is not a suicide letter, however, the thought is running in my head right now - the question is how I’ll do it. I’m scared of heights and I’m scared of failing to kill myself - because then, I’ll be stuck with heavy consequences which I’ll have to LIVE with. I’ll need some sure-fire way to die, preferably in an area that no one will find my body.

I’m pathetic - I’m too scared to even kill myself. It just makes me hate life even more.

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