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I hate myself and want to die.

Vomit

Posted 9th April 2012 1216

I hate my life. I hate my life so severely that I’ve long since stopped openly bitching about it. At least regularly. I’m very unsatisfied with how my life has turned out. My love life has been nothing more than a consecutive chain of failures, which would drive readers to a fiery suicide if I went into more details about it. My career is worse. Much worse.

I apparently didn’t study hard enough on my two degrees, despite having my already tiny ego stroked by my academic advisors. So now I can’t find a decent paying job for my chosen field. I apply and apply to jobs, yet get continuously rejected by employers that are more than happy to watch me starve and default on my student loans; a smile plastered to their shit-eating faces all the while. I’m stuck working for $8 an hour at a job where my boss won’t even bother to FULLY hire me. I’m a 1099 rather than a W-2, which means my boss doesn’t have to pay me benefits. I have no insurance and the like. I also have several medical problems that have lowered my quality of life, which I have no income to have fixed. I lament that they haven’t killed me yet.

Meanwhile, all of my old classmates, my sibling, and my cousins have all been able to make something of their lives. The fuckers take every opportunity to shove their success down my throat. It’s to the point where I visualize myself plugging a tanto into my gut and cutting my innards to ribbons about 5 times a day. I live in constant shame of what a fucking failure I am. Some days, I wish someone would have the mercy to fire a gun through the back of my skull and put me out of my misery. I hate this world. I just don’t have the energy to kill myself.

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Comments

Posted by Damsel 13th April 2012

A few months ago I could have written that. I was in a bad situation and frankly wanted my whole life to change. I hit rock bottom and thought that it’s not going to get any worse. So I looked for a good job, deciding that I’d move after the workplace if necessary. I had nothing keeping me in hometown anyway. Moving wasn’t easy, people (and I) didn’t think much of me and my abilities to survive.

I won’t say it’s paradise now but it’s better and one day I’ll get to where I want to be. This place is new, the workplace is better than the previous ones, I live alone and am focusing just on living my life. I haven’t given anyone my contact info and I call home from a hidden number because i don’t want anyone to contact me and pull me down before I’ve managed to fix my footing.

My point is: if you really have nothing to lose, do whatever you want. Move away, start anew. This sounds like a cliche, but it worked for me, and I hope it could work for you too.

Posted by Mirrored Image 13th April 2012

I agree with Damsel, If you have nothing to live for you have nothing to lose. Maybe moving away is a good idea, start fresh, contact your family and such on your own terms (that hidden number idea is actually pretty sweet). Just remember, if you kill yourself you let the bastards win. Don’t let them win, take your time, build yourself up and let your success spit in their faces.

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