Posted 28th August 2014 28

Look. I know how this can be interpreted differently, and how people can say I’m wrong. But think of it this way. If your children were being emotionally abused behind your back by your new spouse, and you caught onto a clue, wouldn’t you get to the bottom of it? After the initial emotional breakdown, wouldn’t you don your Sherlock Holmes cap and ask your children–truthfully, sincerely, determinedly–if there was anything wrong? Wouldn’t you feel suspicious of your spouse afterwards, distrusting of them? I would, fo’ sho’! But she did not. She continued to trust our care in his grubby hands, and went along with life as if nothing ever happened.

If you still think I’m not in a dysfunctional situation, look at me right now: 19 years old, still don’t know how to drive, still don’t know how to handle myself financially, never had so much as a part-time job, devoid of any circle of friends (the only “friends” I know are two people my stepdad found for me, and forced me to use a fake name with, because the “communists” will catch us if they knew. Bullshit), mostly stay-at-home with my online college courses…and even worse. Get ready for this shit. This crazy bat-shit that only I know, and have to live with. One day, he promises me he will…drumroll please…take my virginity. Because it is much better than me getting knocked up by some college guy and becoming a single mother (as if that’s the only other outcome!?!?!?).

I want to live like other people, too. I want to fall in love like other normal girls do, too. But I have to live with this, and the impending possibility of losing something I can’t take back, to a…to a monster!! No one, except for you, dear reader, knows about this part of my life but me. I am totally chained on all sides by these creeps. If I call for my biological dad’s help, I’m suddenly evil and an outcast. If I call for the police’s help, we will all be gunned to death (again, mom and stepdad’s belief). If I threaten to do any of those things, then our dogs will be euthanized at the local shelter. If I do the sensible thing and tell my mom…she’s most likely going to blame me for “seducing” my stepdad. I should’ve mentioned that she brought something along these lines up when I was 13…but, going on. Basically, I can’t call for help. I have no connections, no support network, no finances or capabilities…just this prison. What hurts me the most is that if I do reach out for help, my little brother might be mentally affected in such a way that I can never forgive myself for. Because this would mean CPS would take him away or something like that, and he has never seen the parents in the same light as I have. He loves them, in fact. He is still a child after all.

It’s at this point that I realize my best bet would’ve been to stay with my biological dad. Looking back, he has been more reasonable than the crazy witch I call my mother and has never really remarried after the divorce. I will not begrudge him the occasional girlfriend or one-night stand if he so desires it (creepy, I know), or even a new wife if he brought one home. That’s his happiness. But he understands enough to put our well-being above that happiness, and has made it clear that if any adult had ever been mean to us, we could tell him without any hesitance. I only realize now that I could’ve had a stable life had I chosen to stay with him. I could’ve had my own car, my own place, a boyfriend, a normal life…but I threw that away in a fit of childishness. And I so deeply regret it.

I am finally coming to the end of my tirade, and I thank you very much for having the patience to read all this way to the end! As a closing word, I am writing this on a private browser, and during a moment when stepdad is busy with some other shit. So I am most likely not going to be discovered. If it does get discovered, I will not be afraid to voice my feelings to this dungheap of a family because I have harbored them inside me for so very long. And it hurts. It just breaks you down over the years. I just can’t keep it inside me. I might or might not take my own life shortly after this. I mean, what’s to live for if you’re this way? If you can’t even make your own decisions, live like other people live? Wait with every bated breath for the moment you’ll be raped because the rapist thinks it’s his rightful duty to take your damn virginity? I envy all those other young people who made it out into the world at the right age. You get to fly free. I, on the other hand, am a caged bird. And we all know how the caged bird feels…

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