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I may be a cleptomaniac

Posted 17th November 2011 1013

On and off in the last 10 years I have had the incredible urge to shoplift; up to the point where I find myself taking small items (under $20 value each). The interesting thing is, I have only targeted Walmart as my sole shoplifting target.

I am a good person. I have never committed any other crimes and illegal acts, and have even been actively involved in community service both in the past and currently by my own decision to feel “worthy” to my fellow community. I was an Eagle Scout in Boyscouts, I regularly give blood with the Red Cross, and on occasion I volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.

Where I feel I fall short as a person is my social anxiety. I have always had a problem taking openly about my feelings. Personally I feel this stems from my speech impediment throughout my childhood and how I was teased my whole life for it. This I feel has made me unable to verbally express my feelings and thus I have turned to other venues to deal with my inner problems.

This is where I have turned to cleptomania a a way to “cope” with the above mentioned insecurities. I don’t know if I have a sub conscience desire to “even the score” after all I have served to the community and how little they have given back to me, but it is the best diagnosis I can give myself.

To further add, I have had a hard time finding work since graduating school in 2008. Even minimum wage “crap” jobs won’t even respond to the seemingly hundreds of applications I put out. My last job was with the 2010 census which was great pay and gave me a sense of self worth but alas it was only temporary for a few months. Now with experience like a federal employee, you would think I would be a prime candidate for at least minimum wage jobs but alas, employers don’t give a flying fuck about experience but which employees are “most expendible”.

Well, I think I’ll wind this up before I ramble on. I just wanted a chance to vent my frustration with life before it leads be to being arrested or otherwise sully my otherwise clean lifestyle. Any comments are appreciated.

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