I need to LIVE again

Posted 20th September 2011 510

I want my emotions and energy back. I have tried fucking everything to fix my life and get it back on track, but I just can’t seem to do that. I have tried eating healthy, going outside more, watching different movies, listening to different music, playing different games, getting hobbies, volunteering, changing jobs, getting a makeover, EVERYTHING, yet NOTHING seems to work! Life is just so depressing and dark. It sucks. When I was younger, right until the time of 2-3 years ago, I was always full of energy and life. I enjoyed things back then. Now, I can’t enjoy anything, and the REALLY fucked up thing is that if I do feel a bit of emotion, the rare time it happens, I will spend hours examining it and how it felt because I have almost forgotten what it feels like to have emotions and energy anymore. I’m also tired of people dictating to me what I should do with my life. I’m 19 years old and I DON’T FUCKING KNOW what I want to do with my life. I’m having trouble finding a job and I don’t fucking feel like going out and putting on a fake act so I can get jobs and please people both in my family and in society. Fuck them all. I also don’t want to go to school after I found out I would have to pay 12,000 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR 1 YEAR OF SCHOOL, just for a fucking air condition program. I don’t have a car, and I would have to bus for 3 FUCKING HOURS just to get to the other side of the society to get the campus in a crowded school bus. Can you believe that? And then I get my family, whom I pretty much never say except for like once a year, bothering me and insulting me and giving me a hard time because I haven’t gone to school yet. They have no fucking appreciation for me or the type of person I am, they just want me to have money a nice car and a nice house so they can say “look, we made him like that”. And then my Dad is always in the house except for work, he has been divorced twice in the past 7 years he is a fucking loser, he is always yelling at me and calling me useless. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with my hands tied, and I am always trying to improve my life but I never seem to be able to do that. Fuck everything, I’m so tired of all this bullshit and I want it all to end now.