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I really wish i didn’t love her

Confused

Posted 9th September 2013 14

Well there’s this girl I like, even met her on xbox! We chat daily, literary for hours, have for almost 3 years now. Started having feelings for her so told her, asked if we could be more than friends. She said no, she’s seeing someone else, I know the guy but didn’t know they were dating they kept it secret since her mum very was ill. I know the guy, same as me, the three of us all met through xbox. It hurts but she says she is happy with him, and to me that’s most important, obviously. And TBH, logically I know she is too young really (not illegally young, just in different stages young) , cant help what I feel though.
Anyway they are long distance, different countries. They see each other twice a year or so for a few days 2 weeks at most. But its just … weird. When one is visiting the other I don’t message her, I have done long-distance thing, I know what its like so leave them to it. They will play xbox during visits, but different games/rooms. And she messages me still. They will be sat/lay watching a movie together and she is messaging me. She told him how I feel about her, so why would she see that as ok?
The other night she texted me, asked how I am, what I’m up to etc. She said she was chilling before sleeping on the sofa, I asked why the sofa and she just said <bf name> is still there.
That’s just weird as hell. 2 years-ish dating, only see each other few times a year and they sleep separately? I know full well she has a double bed, she was well chuffed when she got it and I know when I was dating my ex long-distance there was no way we were sleeping alone, even before we started the sexytimes, you just need that closeness. I’m probably reading too much into it. but its happened every time they have visited each other.
I’m not still chasing her, we still game, still chat but its friends only. I’m not pushing, don’t want to split them up and she very quickly became my best friend, I’ve told her stuff i couldn’t anyone else, hell she was the first to know about my mental health problems, long before my doctor even. I know we won’t be together, it hurts like hell but it’s OK. I’m not happy, but that’s OK too, it is just something I have to get through.
It’s just, what is she expecting me to think or feel? shes not the first person to turn me down. Hell im 30 and had ONE girlfriend lol, (was with her 8 years mind). But not gone through anything like this before and it kills me sometimes. When she tells her bf shes off to bed but starts texting me (other country, she doesnt text him its expensive as fuck) im on a high. But when I know they are going be together for a week it hurts like hell. You would think I was about 14 lol
I know I am lovesick, but I am not some kid. I will move on, fall for someone else, and maybe they will even fall for me. Rationally I believe that, I would tell anyone else the exact same thing. Doesn’t feel like that though does it? At some point I will fall for someone else, chances are they will turn me down (I am a social retard, a nerd and unattractive) and I really don’t think I can take it again.
I’m hurting but I am not depressed, and not suicidal. I’m just not happy, but I think that’s OK

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