Posted 3rd July 2015 1819

I’m currently seventeen and like girls. My problem is that during high school I started to get to know this guy who would become my friend. Well, this friend and I haven’t really had that close of a relationship. But after the past year things started to become different; I guess it was because I stopped trying so hard to get to know him. I suppose i started wanting us to become bestfriends. Well, the past year my friend and I have basically talked to each other everyday on Skype, but with other people in the call and we are usually playing video games. Ive also recently begun to like some of the same things that he likes such as certain shows and video games even though I’m usually bad at them so he has to teach me. These recent past months my friend has begun to hang out with me more. Its not just normal Skype conversations but hanging out in person with other people. I guess a lot of people would find this normal friends stuff and nothing close to romantic in there but my feelings have begun to change as well. The closer I get with him as friends, the more I find myself falling for him. Maybe it’s just the idea of him that urges me or even makes me envious (super athletic, straight A’s, popular, good at everything, and funny) I cant help but feel my heart racing every time I’m near him. Ive tried to hide my feelings, but after yesterday, I can’t help but stay up all night thinking about it.
Yesterday started out as a seemingly ordinary planned hang out for us. He would pick me up to go to our friend’s house and hang out with a group of our friends. Nothing really special about it. But that morning I woke up having another of my recently reoccurring dreams of my friend and his girlfriend, who is my best female friend, breaking up. The first time I had it was the day before my friend told me that they had actually broken up. But that morning it only made me sad because I liked him and her together. I was happy they had been together. Anyways, my friend picked me up and we had the usual awkward pun to lighten the mood. After, we went to a CVS and bought food and laughed as usual. But when we got to our friend’s house, he sat next to me on the couch. Usually, for most people, it wouldnt be weird but our legs were touching and he usually never really initiates any form of ‘touching with another’. Well, I felt my heart beating out of my chest, but I couldnt move. I wanted to get closer but my mind kept telling me, no. Later, he kept doing the same thing. Honestly, it wasnt anything but to me it felt like something. In the car and while we were getting some smoothies he would joke to me about me trying to make a move on him. I never took it seriously until then. I reacted normally but inside, I was contemplating whether or not he knew how I felt. Actually for a long time Ive felt that vibe from him. He would sometimes catch me in mid gaze of his biceps and give me a sort of blank look before returning to what he was doing.
After, we went to the movies with our girl friend and thats where I felt the most tension inside. The girl we went with was someone who everyone paired me up with for dates. Sure she was nice and I felt some kind of attraction but it wasnt as strong as how it was for my friend. I don’t know why I felt the need to type that. So we went to the movies and at the beginning of the movies the three of us teased each other about “romantic” movie hand holding. So as a joke my friend held my hand. It was so warm I was melting for those few seconds. But I decided to brush his hand off of mine so that there was nothing to suspect. Then he brought his hand back onto mine on the arm rest, and it was even harder for me to get his hand off. Once the movie started he stopped. I would often shift around in my seat during the movie and take my arm off of the arm rest in hopes that he would put his on there and I would have an “accidental” hand touch. And to be honest, several times his arm would shift onto it, but my nerves were too much for me to make any move. After eating and dropping the girl off, we started talking and laughing. When he dropped me off, I guess I wanted something more. It ended the same, we would joke around with each other for 5 mins while I was walking to my house. It ended as a usual day would have ended for us, but that was the exact reason why I am sad and distraught. I wanted something more with him but we are both guys and I’m almost certain he straight even though he isnt very romantic to begin with. I still like girls but being with him makes me feel diff.Yet, another part of me wants us to progress as best friends rather than anything romantic. I feel like I’m confused about everything…

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