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If you knew me, you’d hate me

Posted 14th July 2010 59

Dear friends,

The reason why I’m so accepting of your faults and so understanding is because I’m worse than you all combined.
The reason why I listen to your rants isn’t because of sympathy and concern, but because I know that you reveal more than you realize. You tell me your secrets and since you never ask me anything about myself, you know virtually nothing about me. I’m safe, but you’re not from me.
The reason why I don’t take any intoxicating substances isn’t because I’m an absolutist and anti-drug activist or whatever you think I am. It’s because I’m scared of losing the grip over my mind and telling you something I’d regret.
The reason why I don’t pick up my phone isn’t because I can’t hear it - it’s because I don’t want to hear you.

The reason why I’m never available on Tuesdays and Fridays? Because I go to a therapist and a psychiatrist due to several problems that I have and you’ll never know about.

Paranoia and delusions, and the medications seem to make things worse instead of better. I find it hard to think of others as living, existing people with feelings. I find it hard to feel anything but indifference regarding situations that don’t directly affect my life. When I’m insulted, I don’t react - because you don’t know me your insults fly past me. You call me things I know I’m not, so why should I react to them? Most of my reactions (sympathy, interest, kindness etc) are due to how well I have learned to imitate others.

I hate myself for being like this, which is why I’m in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, but sometimes I just feel like it’s wasted effort. People like me should just vanish anyway.

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Comments

Posted by Anonymous 29th July 2010

People like you make excellent spies. Seriously, have you ever considered it?

Posted by Anonymous 13th August 2010

I feel like this sometimes too. Everyone talks about my perks, and how smart I am. Or how attractive, or how I’m destined for success…but no one knows the real me. I’m not smart, or all that attractive, or going places. I just know how to fake it better than most…

Posted by Andrews21Mayra 15th August 2010

Don’t have cash to buy a house? You should not worry, because it is possible to receive the <a href=”http://bestfinance-blog.com/topics/credit-loans”>credit loans</a> to work out all the problems. Thence take a student loan to buy everything you want.

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