Posted 23rd March 2015 1020

When I was in elementary school, I was the tallest girl in the classroom. I also had a bit of chubbiness going on, but I wasn’t obese.

My mom always called me fat. Whenever we went to the mall to try on clothes she would be angry at me for being fat. And once we went to a store and none of the clothes fit me, so my mom went to the store employee and asked, “Do you have any larger sizes? The clothes here are too small for my daughter. She’s a little bit fat.”

My dad never said it directly to my face, but he thinks I’m fat. He works in the next city so he doesn’t come home often. Once, my dad didn’t come home for two months. I gained some weight over that time. Ten pounds? Yea. Then he came back and took a look at me and started yelling at my mom, “What did you do?!”

So once highschool came around I decided to lose weight. I was kind of determined. So I did. I went from 160 lb to 140 lb in one summer. And then all my dad talked about was how I could lose more weight.

…

That’s all he talked about at the occasional dinner outings. My weight.

And then once I lost twenty pounds, there was a struggle to keep it at 140 lb. And it started to climb back up.

My mom didn’t even try to help me. She would make dinner and then when I don’t finish it all and say “I’m full”, she just gets mad at me and yell how wasteful I am.

I tried to skip dinner but because my mom hates eating alone, she would try to convince me into eating like, “You could only eat half” or “It’s only a little bit, so it’ll be fine”. And then during dinner, she’ll be like, “Here, eat more”.

And I would complain to my mom how my weight isn’t going down everyday and she just explodes one day saying how annoying I was and how I would stay fat forever and just roll around like a ball.

I just lost motivation. I stopped counting calories and being careful of what I eat. I don’t like it anymore when my dad even tries to bring up my dieting plan. I gave up. Actually I don’t want to lost weight. All my dad talks about is my weight and all my mom do is put me down and says, “You don’t look any different. Did you even try?”. I’m just sick of it. It’s as if they don’t want me to lose weight.

Now I have to go to a fancy ceremony tomorrow and I have nothing that fits me and I have this huge guilt for eating dinner. And I hate my mom and dad for making me think that way. And I hate myself for not having enough self control.

Typing this all out is just making me sad now :( Thanks for reading, I guess.

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