Posted 10th April 2016 213

I know no one will be reading so I can just rant, unlike on my social media which I always post something of mystical meaning that only myself understand and kind of establishes myself as an eccentric person but no, I am not capable of writing emotional post of expressing my frustration/sadness/anger like normal people and get likes out of it as I am a very private person that I don’t really want others to know what I am feeling. Oh, and partly because I have low self-esteem.

But the main point is I am procrastinating again. I technically have a 1000 word essay due 12 hours late and I haven’t even started. Also, I have to also pick up shits of my groupmate’s work and consult the lecturer tomorrow, which again I haven’t started, instead here typing nonsense. I don’t really know if I hate myself. Actually I think I do. But no in front of other people. I am at one hand confident of my ability in studying as I got good grades last semester but on the other hand I always fear that I will write not-good-enough assignment and not be praised by the lecturer or get good grades. I am genuinely confident and lack confidence. How can such contradictory thing happen? I don’t know. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Though low self-esteem and fear of failure are the underlying cause of me procrastinating, there are other personal things that are bothering me.

First, I am desperately waiting for the release of the result of my exchange scholarship that promised to be released at the start of April. AND IT IS THE START OF APRIL WHY DON’T YOU GIVE ME THE RESULT BUT NOT DANGLING MY HOPE IN THE AIR!!! I am pretty sure that I can get the scholarship but there’s still chance that I can’t! Why don’t you end my misery just by sending me an email. Even if I can’t actually get the scholarship, yes I will be sad by not for long, but the main point is that the school is dangling my hope and I am the type of person that want results immediately! The waiting is literally torturing me as I am checking my email every 15 mins to check if I have got the result for a whole week already. Ughhhhhhhhh!

Another thing that is bothering me is that i am betrayed by a self-proclaimed friend who is actually not my friend and she left me with a fucking mess that can potentially cost me nearly 1000 bucks and mess with my grade. She has got a rude tone and personality that she thinks it’s alright, but no bitch don’t justify your shit anymore, you are just a lying bitch. And tomorrow I need to literally beg the lecturer and resolve the whole thing that I did actually nothing wrong but trusting that fuck shit bitch. I may not be able to resolve the whole thing and it will be a disaster! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I am already a reserved and discreet and even picky when choosing friends. I deem myself as smart at choosing the right kind of friend that is good for me and won’t betray me. But I was wrong. It makes me realize that no matter how hard I try to protect myself from getting hurt, I really can’t. So I won’t anymore and try to be open to being friends with new people. I will be careful that you cannot hurt me unless you deliberately trap me and that I cannot actually avoid.

I hope that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow I can successfully resolve my issue and eventually find ways to get revenge of my not-so-much-as-a-friend friend as we still got two projects together. Wish me luck guys. Ugh.

By a grumpy person that you will never know

*BTW English is not my mother tongue. do you guys think that my English is ok or even native or did you not even notice any difference? (My low self-esteem kicks in hahahaahahahahahah. Fuck.)

0 Comments Forgive Condemn