Posted 29th June 2015 28

Where to even start.. I have PTSD from living in a neighborhood where gunshots are frequent, my neighbors and friends have died in front of me. My father was an drug addict with a heart of gold who died from cancer when I was 15, but I hardly knew him. My mother… my mother has so many mental and physical issues it is unreal. Throughout the years she has called the cops on me 27 times, starting when I was the age of 12. They have stopped coming after the last court date which she finally admitted to lying. Every friend I have had has abused my trust in some pretty wicked ways. I have been molested, raped, and abused. I am a complete mess, I can never remember anything and I usually am stuck on words. I can not trust anyone yet I surround myself as much as I can with people. Last year I ended up pregnant… we both knew we weren’t ready. But I felt it, I talked to it. I said goodbye, he refused. He left me for his “best friend.” He wouldn’t even hold my hand when I went in. As I cried, it was halloween. They were dressed like fucking barn animals as they ripped a part of soul out of me. He wouldn;t help pay but wanted me to do it. Now he tells the whole town I am a whore and that he wanted to keep it and be a family… he won’t even look at me… many won’t. How? How could I raise a child when my head is so fuzzy… my alcohol intake is increasing every day and my hunger is non-existent. Yet I didn’t truly love him… I hadn’t fallen in love until recently. He’s insane. I can’t even look at him after all of the manipulation. He has broken up so many friendships of mine and he still screams he is a good person. He mentioned marriage and breaking up in one sentence… I can’t even explain all of the things he has said because thinking about it is making me lose the little ability I have to finally get things off of my chest. My mother is dying.. she’s in the hospital right now and after she dies I am the last on my family. I am 22 years old and completely alone in a town where everyone knows my fucking name. So may know my name, they know my smile. I cry every night, every time I am alone and as soon as I am around people I can’t help but to smile even though i’m dying. IT’s not on purpose! I WANT TO SCREAM FOR HELP. I WANT TO CRY. Maybe part if me knows this alcoholic town doesn’t care… my BEST friend, Darrylnn died at the age of 16… she was the first person to truly show me love. The only others have moved to Richmond Indiana and Richmond Virginia… Fuck richmonds.. worst part is they hate each other… over fucking hurting me. Because they both have, but obviously i’ve gotten over their selfish moments… So when they are finally in town they refuse to be around each other and then get mad at me for not choosing. I can’t trust anyone. So many say they want to help.. but part of me knows there is no help. I am so scared of everything and everyone yet I go out every night. It’s getting worse and worse. The urge to fucking make it stop. Fuck man. FRucking fuck fuck fuck,.

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