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It’s Complicated…

Posted 16th April 2015 1418

You invited me to be a part of a group project. I accepted. Now, I participate, not because I have loads of free time – not even close – but because I was aware immediately that you were someone that I needed to be around. I wanted to get to know you. I did, and you totally shattered my expectations. You’re positive, smart, and beautiful, but most of all, you’re strange. You say things that make people feel uncomfortable. You say things that my dream woman says. You’re the first woman that’s made me laugh in years. Not chuckle, chort, snicker. LAUGH.

So after months of holding it down, I give up. I’m smitten. After years of being alone, I’m certain that I’m just looking at this wrong, that you’re just flirting innocently and I’m completely misreading you. You have that reputation, and then some. But it seems mutual. You’re texting me everyday. Sometimes you have a reason. Sometimes you’re fishing for one. Sometimes you don’t even try to come p with anything. You were talking to me while you were on vacation, telling secrets, calling to chat at night. You even told me some really kind things after your boyfriend split up with you a few days later. Nothing super direct, but I can fill in the blanks. And I told you what I thought about you, but you can see right through me, I wasn’t saying anything you didn’t already know.

I’m loving every minute of time spent talking to you. But I’m going nuts because even though you two seem to have ended it, I still feel guilty about approaching you, for the sake of HIS feelings. We’re hardly friends, we just kind of know each other. If anything, he HATES me because he sees the way we talk. We get close. You light up. I’ve been where he was in the past, and it hurts. I don’t want anyone to hurt… even though he broke up with you! I constantly self-sabotage myself. WHY?! Who do I think I am that I constantly martyr myself in the interest of a “male code” that people only use out of convenience? It can’t be that… I’m probably deflecting. Maybe I’m terrified of you? The fact that you have a 9 year old daughter? That you’re still legally married after 5 years of separation? Or what you represent? You know, commitment, a future… I’m also self conscious about my body. I used to be handsome and fit. Now I’m 80 pounds fatter, losing my hair, and you’re a goddess. I try to tell myself that doesn’t matter. But it does, I’ve heard you say so. I’ve also been without a woman for years, and the last one really did a number on me. Told me I was closed off, shat on my heart, etc. But do I tell you all of this before it’s even real, or would you run? Would you tell me that I’ve misunderstood everything? Who knows how long you and your boyfriend will actually be apart, anyway? You two are on and off than a light switch, even though you’ve told me outright that you don’t see a future with him.

It’s so complicated when it doesn’t have to be. You’d probably say that I’m overanalyzing again. I always make things complicated. But when we’re talking, I don’t. We just connect. When we talk, it’s the simplest thing in the world. And I’m scared to lose whatever “this” is. I’ve been around, and somehow, this is the purest thing I’ve ever had.

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