Posted 11th April 2014 1224

My god where do I start.

I’m sick of being taken for granted in my life. I’m willing to do so much for others, but get nothing in return. No matter how much care, effort or support I show I never get it back.

Recently I had my first serious relationship, it was going well, I didn’t know anything was wrong. Then the phone call comes, he dumps me and the person I loved is gone, haven’t heard from him since the new year. Oh and the joys, months later I find out he’s given me an STD. And I still fucking miss him. I know, I’m a fucking idiot with a broken heart.

My best friend is getting married, looking to get promoted at her job and buy a house with her fiance. All of which keeps her very busy. I’ve told her I completely understand how busy she is (which I completely do) and so I’ve always travelled to see her recently, but its always in a group setting. I’ve tried almost daily to see if she’d have time to spend, just the two of us, but I always get knocked back, and I’m beginning to think she doesn’t want to see me. I know that the friendship group around her (of which my ex is a member) have all been gossiping about me behind my back.

I was warned at work that basically I needed to be a robot while I’m there because it looked bad that I don’t smile anymore. They gossip too, as personal things I’d told a member of management and one other person has now been passed around each staff member.

My parents have seperated and I barely see them. My Dad no longer lives with us and my Mam is now making a new life for herself and wants to be on her own most of the time. I don’t feel I can go to them when I’m down, because god knows they don’t need my crap on top of their own.

I’m so angry.

I’m tired of feeling I have to put a smile on for everyone. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t trust anyone. I’m just so tired of feeling alone and upset. I want to be the old me again, but I have a feeling that’s never going to happen.

I’m trying every day to stay positive. Sometimes just getting up in the morning is hard. I know I have low self esteem, and I try to quell off the negative thoughts I have about myself, but right now, I’m struggling to find any evidence that all the things I think and feel aren’t true. I don’t know what to do, but I’m starting to think its time to pull away and just be on my own. Through all this I’ve still tried to be there for others, offer my support or services to those that need it, because I can’t stand to see others in pain.

As lonely as I am, I’m exhausted by the drama of it all.

I just want to be happy.

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