Posted 13th November 2015 1523

I’m pretty lonely and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my problems. I have two friends. One is a bit of a narcissist and ignores you unless she’s interested in the topic at hand. The other is glued to the hip with her boyfriend and I can never get her alone. No siblings. My dad is emotionally distant and my mom is so stressed and tired from work that I don’t want to bother her. Not close to extended family.

I’d like to have a boyfriend but that isn’t happening: baby face, gummy smile, skinny body, awkward introverted personality. Oh I guess I have a third friend, a fwb I guess, who is a little self absorbed. I’m not going to open up to him tho, I doubt he’d care. I really don’t want to be involved with him but he’s really the only regular attention I get. I’ve kept him in the dark that I really do not enjoy the casual (attempts at) sex. I don’t even enjoy the sex. It’s painful but I’m tested clean for STDs. Fingering is uncomfortable, even oral hurts, and penetration has never been possible. I got offered to be someone else’s fwb but I declined. I was under the impression that they wanted to date me but I guess not… only good enough to see behind closed doors I guess… I used to have a high curiosity for sex until I got involved with the fwb and now that curiosity is completely gone. I don’t care at all for it.

I want someone who I can be emotionally intimate with. But the problem is I have trained myself to hide my emotions over the years because in elementary school I got bullied for crying a lot without good reason. I want intimacy but I’m afraid of vulnerability but I just want to feel safe. So with this in mind, I can never relax and open up to someone. I’m always on edge whenever I interact with someone I like and I can never, never relax.

Well that was incoherent. I just needed to get that out there to someone.

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