Posted 16th November 2015 1622

Hey rude fatty in the sorority-lettered tee shirt at my hot yoga sculpt class. I know you seek penance for your night of carousing because I can smell your toxic fumes, but you picked the wrong church. You also picked the wrong woman’s mat to move so that you could be closer to the wall for support. Here’s what I should have told you before you invaded my space: You need to lose 50 lbs first and tone the heck up. Your muffin top resembling spare tire will weigh down heavily on your diaphragm, making it difficult to exhale, particularly when we’re holding plank position or doing chaturanga pushups. Your batwing arms will soon fail you, even though you are working out with rather puny 3 lb dumbbells. Trust me, they will soon become the bane of your otherwise plain, vapid, boozy existence. You and I both can see the shapeless mold of cottage cheese extending from your lower hamstring up to your shorts line. When you bend over everyone can see even further up your backside. What you don’t know is that the instructor will call you out for not bending your leg 90 degrees during the Warrior series, and you won’t stick it, because you have a cottage cheese, car-culture behind instead of a muscled, urban dictionary yoga butt, like me.

You know there are mirrors everywhere, right? Like the one in front of us. I know you know that I’m pissed off at you for being rude (and reeking of booze in my workout space). Now that we’re in Plie pose and throwing alternating jabs and uppercuts with our dumbbells, do you see the heavier weights I’m holding? Do you see these toned arms? These crisp punches? The instructor has now reminded everyone for the 99th time to tighten their core muscles, and you don’t seem to be responding, although I have seen you stare at my abs. Good! It makes me very happy to know that while you are huffing and puffing and wanting to quit, you are thinking of me, your fitter, stronger, evil twin who you imagine is plotting to kill you. You may weigh more (a lot more) than me, but I can take you out anytime with a combination of a blazing fast punches to your round, rather punchable face followed by sharp, powerful, high-knees, preferably to your oh so soft and flabby midsection. Let that be motivation to tone your body.

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