Posted 11th January 2016 2023

So! Well… Life, as the title says. Gah, what a despicable word… yet, wondrous one.
Life for me is, well, interesting. I suppose. Being in high school,(junior) life seems to be pretty nice! Talking with friends, laughing at perverted jokes, making some of my own, blending in with the jocks and nerds at the same time, its pretty nice! I’m fine with camouflaging myself- I myself don’t even know my true self, but I know that the friends I have aren’t the issue…
The thing is, there’s a deep, darker, cynical version of me. I feel like everyone is just around me for my “outer” self.. if they found out about my inner self, which I have yet to discover.. I just KNOW that it’ll scare them. Its something irregular. Not normal. Weird, disgusting. When I talk to people, I make sure that I say what they won’t hate, and I’m not sure if thats bad or good.
Bleh, I have no idea where I’m going with this. I’m literally just ranting off my mind, and hopefully I can get all of this out… but who knows?
Point is from that rambling ^ is that I’m not a good person. I am a horrible, cynical being, but… why?
The one thing that my friends like me for is that I’ll listen to their conversations. Be it a problem with family, life, or anything, I’ll listen to them.
I love, love talking and helping others out- don’t get me wrong, but sometimes the people I help all pile up, and it creates a huge mess. I don’t know who to help, and some are more tedious than others…
But… cant some of them help me?
Where is my help?
Im not a good being, I’m bad, evil, horrible, but can I at least have someone to talk to?
I’m not an IMMORTAL HELPER!
I also NEED HELP!
I need someone to RANT TO!
But my parents wouldn’t understand. All they care about grades, which-oh, my… I also am horrible at. Not… failing horrible, but parents-are-very-disappointed like.
I had one person I could rant to- and.. for the sake of anonymousity, lets call him/her “Corn”
So.. Corn became my internet friend a few years ago, and ever since I had a lovely time with Corn. Corn was quite a few years older than I was, but Corn wouldn’t mind listening to me, and for the past few months I could rant to Corn as much as I wanted. I feel ashamed for doing so.. but things were piling up
But recently, Corn has been facing his/her own problems. Corn fell into a really, really bad condition- on the verge of suicide.
But I.. am one of his/her only tethers left to the world. But this is seriously, seriously putting a stress on me.
I don’t have enough experience with words to free someone from this level of depression- I can only keep them from falling
But this is, in turn, dragging me very closely to an abyss of depression
I’ve been recommended to see therapists for depression, but I honestly don’t know if I’m depressed. Either its procrastination, or laziness, is what I assume.
Signs of what people say might be my depression is that I… think of suicide? Well, I think of it… but its not really, suicide.
I mostly just think about… what would happen if I died? Would people mourn? what would my friends do? family?
I’m not sure if that counts as a depression-suicide symptom, but who knows. I’m just a very, very unexperienced teenager who is not, NOT ready for adulthood.
But… what should I do? I have no clue.. All I know is that I’m screwing around in life, there is no motivation for learning..
I had crushed, and loved in my life.
This girl… she was like a goddess to me. Well, maybe not THAT high, but she was damned awesome.
Her looks- I cant… I’m not sure how to describe it. The color of her hair just makes my eyes widen. Her face, laugh… everything about her makes me happy.
Mustering up the courage to ask her out to prom took a LOT of effort. Before I became social, I was just an antisocial being… one who rarely dressed up, tried, and in general, I wasn’t that amazing.
Back on toopic, I asked her if I could ask her out to prom, and THOUGHT I was rejected.. oof. Apparently, I wasn’t.. but when I asked again, it was too late.
Then, a few months later, I heard that she probably liked another boy. You know, typical popular good-looking guy.
I’m… just not sure… what to do with life. There are so many things going on, that I cant tell what to do. Should I help Corn out of his/her depression? Should I help Other Friend A With a parents divorce problem? Should I focus on school studying? Should I get more sleep? Should I get a Therapist? What do I need to be a good Adult? Can I get a good job with such a fucked up GPA? I dont have the worst ones.. but There are kids with.. well, 4.0s and such, in clubs… My goodness, I don’t want to be a billionaire, or anything of the sort… I just want a happy, good life with a girl I can love and… Oh goodness, please help… I beg of you, whoever you are. I am so lost, with life, and I… Its just so horrible to me.
Thank you, again, if you read the whole thing

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