Posted 20th July 2015 2434

Okay, so for the last couple of days I’ve been completely fucking pissed. At what? Nothing obvious. I mean, I can’t even tell why I’m so goddamn angry this time. I want to just break every wall in this shithole of a house with my bare fists. I want to hit things and kick things and scream until my throat is bleeding.

It’s always like this. Anxiety, anger, anxiety, anger. How many shifts can the typical human being withstand?

Latest cycles have all been based around my parents. My rather selfish parents who have health problems that are going to fuck me in the ass sooner rather than later and refuse to deal with them. I am to the point where I am checking to make sure that they’re still breathing. That words aren’t slurring and limbs going limp. My mother has had at least four mini-strokes with minimal damage. And the doctors don’t know what’s causing them because she presents so goddamn atypical that the only reason the episodes(which are traumatizing enough that I WISH I had gone into the military just to be less traumatized) have been identified as strokes is because everything else was ruled out. She’s also a diabetic.

My dad…is a long term smoker and never goes to the doctor. He’s usually…kinda…sorta…healthy…ish. But a few days ago, he was dizzy with chest pains and I was pretty sure he’d be dead the next day. He’s fine, but the anxiety remains. It always remains because I’m more affected by all of these things than any of them.

There were four years between her first mini and the last three or for and I suffered from something that I’m pretty sure was PTSD throughout those four years and she goes and has another one just when I’m starting to get my shit together again.

I spent my teens and twenties in a constant state of anxiety and now I’m fifteen in a twenty-six year old body worrying about my parents dying. My only states now are crying, screaming, staring at the wall, and wishing that it would all just end.

It doesn’t help that my sister(16 years older than me) has a perfect goddamn life and I am not allowed to have that because of THEM.

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