Posted 16th June 2016 1931

My mom just had quadruple bypass surgery and I honestly, with everything in me, wish she would have died during the procedure. Everything went fine except that she’s a different person and not one that we can live with. She NEEDS physical therapy and we had to spend THREE FUCKING DAYS fighting with her about entering Rehab. If that’s not bad enough, she’s now treating us like her personal enemy and trying to get out of everything the rehab people get her to do. She says she wants to go home, but she’s not willing to do anything required of her to come home. I can’t take care of her and she sure as hell can’t take care of herself. I get that she’s in pain and depressed and everything, but she’s acting like we’re just breezing through. Her dog at home is super depressed because we have to keep leaving her alone all day to go visit my mom at a facility in another goddamn city. My dad and I are ragged from lack of sleep and lack of any downtime at all. My anxiety has reached a peak where my doc had to double the dose of my meds. All of the stress is sending my blood pressure into stroke territory and 90 percent of it is because of her! My blood pressure is so high, I can’t even get the infected tooth I have pulled because the dentist refuses. I had some mixed breed thing of a panic attack and a nervous breakdown alone in the house the other day where I cried so hard I threw up until my whole body was sore. I screamed and I cried and I couldn’t breathe. I have never in my life thrown a fit like that and I am glad no one was home to see it because I’m sure it would have warranted my own trip into a ‘facility.’ Though, with how I’m feeling right now and how close to the edge I feel, that might have been better for me. She doesn’t understand that all of this is affecting us, too. She’s all consumed with her own pain and that she thinks we actually wanted to stick her in a home to get rid of her. She doesn’t care about her own health, her own decency(running around in an open hospital gown rather than actually putting on clothes), or any of us.

I don’t want to go back to that place and just keep on fighting with her about how she feels we’re the fucking enemy. Honestly, with how she’s acting, I’m hoping there’s a complication that kills her or keeps her in there permanently. None of us can live like this. I’m twenty-seven and I’m just now trying to deal with the anxiety I’ve fought with since I was twelve. I’ve never had a life of my own. Never had the chance. At this point, I don’t care if she dies or if I do, as long as it ends. I’m slowly starting to hate her and it’s getting harder to hide it. All of my instincts are telling me to run far away and never stop. Just forget all of this and start over. I feel like a horrible daughter, but there it is. Everything I feel.

The worse is that I should be able to talk to someone about how I feel, but all I get is one of those speeches making me feel like shit because other people have worse things going on, so I shouldn’t feel the way I do. It makes me feel like I don’t matter because my feelings don’t matter. They’re so fucking insignificant, but I can’t do anything about the fact that I’m scared and uncomfortable all the time and it only makes me feel more like the broken, weak little thing I am.

I’ve spent my whole life being one-upped by other people’s feelings. So mine really mean so fucking little? Hate to tell you this, but you’re only putting me a little closer to slicing up my wrists and going into a deep nothing where I have exactly as many feelings as you apparently think I should have.

None.

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