Posted 6th July 2014 2434

I dont know if this is the right place for me to vent but here it goes. Im 14 and i have been going through things that shouldnt be wished upon your worst enemy.

Ive always been the type of kid thatt was content and kept their opinions to themself. I didnt really have any friends up until grade 4. I gradually started making friends and becoming an outgoing bubbly child. This was great at the time but i had always had that small part in my brain full of social anxiety which kept covering me. I would try avoiding sleep overs and hanging out with friends for more than a few hours because i just wasnt comfortable.

Then along came 7th grade and i started getting interested in boys but my school had no more than 60 kids (ikr) so it was difficult getting a boyfriend. but i liked this boy and we would chat every night until the wee hours of the morning. Of course as you get older the pressure of “fitting in” really intimidate you. I stated getting very self-concious about how i looked and talked. I would sometimes cry myself to sleep because i hated myself so much. I was often bullied about my looks and people would call me anorexic which wasnt true, although i was very skinny my whole life and still am.

By the time I hit 8th grade I started feeling more depressed than ever. I was never diagnosed because my parents never knew and they wouldnt of done anything about it anyway because they dont believe that sort of stuff needs therapy. So after a while of me just hating myself to the point where I felt suicidal, I started to self harm. I had been thinking about it for years but never had the guts. I started off with a bobby pin just making small scratches then it turn into scissors.. I told one friend who i trusted and we spent all night venting and texting about all our problems and we promised we wouldnt tell anyone what we had told eachother. she would check up on me every few days to ask if i was still “clean”. I often replied with a simple no. I soon moved onto cutting myself with razors out of pencil sharpeners. I never cut too deep because i was aware of the danger of cutting into an artery or vein. I slowly started to mention to other friends that i was hating myself and felt anxious and depressed but not about my self harm. I did my research on self harm and found out that the reason we get addicted to doing such things is because it releases endorphins in our body that feel “good”.

Things are slowly getting better as it is now half way through the year of 8th grade and i am 2 months and 9 days “clean” from self harm. I still keep to myself most of the time but try to stay positive. Sorry this was so long and i doubt anyone will read this but i just felt like getting it all out there you know? Thanks

2 Comments Forgive Condemn