My depressing love story?

Posted 27th May 2013 1315

I have a crush on my best friend? I am a girl, and I think I may love my best friend who is a girl. I don’t know if it is love, never truly been IN love with someone. I wanted to confess but I was scared so I went to one of my friends who was bisexual and told her. She knew I was in denial, so she didn’t push me to come out of the closet. Well I had reasons to believe she was lesbian I still do have reasons, she always hugged me and even when I told everyone not to she did. Another is she would always hug me while she was “sleeping” I would wake up the next day, tell her, and she would blush and say she’s never done that before. She had never had a boyfriend and sooner or later I found myself realizing my heart beat more when she hugs me or smiles, I thought she was leaving because she hadn’t had a boy friend so that got me hopeful. But I still wasn’t sure if I loved her. I was afraid to love her, afraid to disappoint my parents who were eagerly awaiting grandchildren, afraid that when and if I confess that I had secretly loved her since middle school she would be disgusted and leave me alone. But it was too late. She got asked out by a boy named Christopher and I felt everything shatter. I realized I loved her way too much, I got really depressed and frantic after I found out she was going out with this man whore who cheated on 4 of his girlfriends and only goes out for girls’ bodies and virginity. I wanted to protect her, to stop her. I told her how Chris cheats and she got upset and mad at me, I just didn’t want her to get hurt. She didn’t talk to me for weeks and I became utterly depressed. I would get home and lay in the shower with the water on scolding hot temperatures, and stare at the ceiling. I felt the urge to punish myself because I couldn’t confess. It got to where I would hold a blade to my wrist and contemplate self harming by cutting. I hated it. She is still going out with him and I still have not confessed. She’s the only one who has seen me cry and when I had a nervous break down she was there for me. I don’t know what to do, and when I think about her not acknowledging me, I feel a suffocating squeezing on my lungs and heart. I’m live sick. And I got it bad…