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My whole life seems to be falling apart

Cry

Posted 6th April 2010 66

Ok, so here’s the thing. I’m nineteen, I go to college and it’s great! I have a great social life and am active in many societies, I go out and party with my friends and I think I’m passing the year so far. Next year is different, most of my friends have decided to take gap years (why, I don’t know), but they have. This means that I am left with hardly anybody at college, and this feeling scares me. I live away from home, a considerable distance in fact so I never have the chance to head back for the weekend as the flights are too expensive. The friends that I live with have introduced me to a large number of people, and I have never felt the need to make friends on my course as, although they are nice people, I don’t have much in common with them, apart from my academic studies. This means that because my social groups are through other people – and probably about 90% of them will be taking a gap year and travelling, I’m screwed. I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore, and that everyone is leaving me. Travelling is not an option for me either, I just don’t have the funds to do so.

So, two weeks before the end of semester I started thinking of this and it began getting me down, as well as the fact that very few friends from home visit me at college – despite visiting all my other extremely close friends, what’s that about? I thought you’re not supposed to have favourites?! With this in mind I headed back home for the holidays and took to socialising here with friends, and I feel so so left out. My “friends” who don’t visit me just appear to be sticking with my best friend, purposely trying to make fun of me. For example, my personality is such where people do tease me and it’s all light hearted fun. However, with this one person, I feel as though she is being personal, attacking me, humiliating me and trying to bring me down – and in the mean time, taking my best friend with her. We were talking about something or other, when I realise that something I have thought was a fairy tale is true, she raises her voice, and shouts pointing at me, “HAHA, YOU ARE BUMMED YOU ARE WRONG.” Great. Obviously there is more to it than this, but I’m one of them people who forgets, and when I try and explain things I stumble with my words, I can’t explain or argue my case if it’s at all relating to emotions, as I feel weak. I attempted to speak to my best friend but she said I was being paranoid – I don’t think I am, clearly she is not going to see the aggression or attempted humiliations against me, as it’s just that: against me not her.

Now. Onto family. I have a sister who is a complete and utter ****. There is nothing I like about her whatsoever. That is not all though, since going to college I have expanded my views, realised what’s right and what’s wrong and I have grown in the way I think, I’m not so closed minded now, I am not prejudice and I am certainly not racist. The problem, is both my sister and Mum are, so when I come home I am bombarded with all their **** about what they think of the world and I hate it! I’ve told my Mum to stop I’ve told her she’s wrong but she’s stubborn, she doesn’t see things right. This is not helping adding to the mood, they snap at everything, they’re not “go with the flow” as I and my friends which I surround myself with, are. I hate it.

Finally, relationships. This is a big failure. I’m nineteen, still a virgin and have no interests. I don’t have a lot of male friends, but those I do have are basically either into one-night stands, or are in relationships. With all the social activities I do I would have thought I’d have found someone by now. I’m pretty much always being put down on my appearance, even though I know for a fact I am not that bad looking. I’m not amazing but I am a damn site more attractive than some girls with boyfriends. I was told once that I was the ugliest out of all my social group. This is annoying me so much, I just want someone to be interested in me, I want someone to want me, someone to actually appreciate me and to be there for me. Rant over. Comments?

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Comments

Posted by Anonymous 22nd January 2011

Sounds like you’re going through a lot. First, about the friends, this happens a lot in the first few years after high school. People grow, change, move apart etc. On the other hand it is an opportunity for you to build some new friendships. You mentioned that you have a lot of social activities (I’m presuming you mean interest groups and clubs and the like, not just bar hopping and partying) these would be ideal places to meet people with common interests. Consider asking some of these people to hang out once in a way. You may find someone you can have a deep personal friendship with. As for the friends who are putting you down and the like, you have no reason to keep them in your life. Start to distance yourself from them, you might find yourself better off.

Posted by Anonymous 22nd January 2011

Second, the home atmosphere. It’s good that you have different views from your mother, it shows that you’re growing in your own identity. However you also need to respect your mother’s right to hold her beliefs. Realize that just because you learned something in your year away from home, does not mean that it’s correct. Just as your experiences have guided your world view your mother’s experiences have guided hers, and I’m betting shes had a few more experiences than you. Instead of just telling your mother she’s wrong try talking to her to find out why she believes what she does. She may still be wrong and you are not required to change what you believe, but I’m betting you’ll learn a lot more about your mother this way.

Posted by Anonymous 22nd January 2011

As for your sister, it is important to have a good relationship with her. Family is important, and once your parents pass on she will be all that more important for you. I’m assuming that she is younger than you, so be patient and engage her in discussion. Present what you believe and ask her reasons for what she believes. Just remember that you have to respect her right to believe whatever she chooses.

Posted by Anonymous 22nd January 2011

Third, the boyfriend thing. Believe it or not this is one of the more trivial things in the long run. Don’t listen to people who say that you’re ugly. That’s something people say when they feel insecure about themselves. I can honestly say that I have yet to meet the woman who did not have at LEAST 2 attractive features. As for finding someone, it’ll happen. My second day of my first semester in university I met the woman who would become my wife. It started with us just chatting, then we became friends, then very close friends, then lovers, then married. It was more than 8 years from the time we met till we got married. A slow and winding road many would say. But it was all worth it. Some of her friends used to say to her that she wasn’t attractive but I could never figure out what they were talking about. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

Posted by Anonymous 22nd January 2011

I realize that by the time I wrote this you would be well into your second year. I hope things are going better for you now. If not, stay strong, things will get better.

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