Posted 9th December 2015 1321

I just..ugh :(, i live with the constant fear of gaining weight, and just hearing the topic of fat/weight, or anything of that matter. Like…I am so insecure about myself. I don’t eat more than 1800 calories a day and i just..i hate eating basically. Previously, like about 2 months ago, i would not eat. I didn’t eat, i would eat <500 calories a day and most of it was at school where i didnt want anyone to know i was starving myself. I also had weight loss pills that I took BEFORE and during the time I was starving myself. I would deliberately take about 3x more than what the recommended dose was in order to “lose all the fat on my body” but..yes.. I started to lose weight (mostly muscle) and i noticed that, because i do have a butt.. and i noticed it was getting flatter and smaller and so were other curvier parts of my body. So, I stopped starving myself, I told one person about it, and she gradually got me to start eating more. I would sit in my room crying because my stomach hurt from the hunger pains, but I wouldn’t eat. I would sit and watch YouTube to take my mind off of it. Sometimes, i would sit in front of my trash can and try to force myself to throw up even if i didnt eat or after i ate. And i couldnt, my body wouldnt. After I started eating again, I bought weight loss pills. I would take those but in moderation again..but i would find myself taking more than what i was supposed to, and i found out that that can cause serious problems and damage..a while back, i had injured my ACL, and it is still injured, so i COULDNT exercise or run anymore and that made me TRIPLE terrified of gaining weight because i was previously a very athletic, active person, and all of a sudden it was ripped from me. So a few months after my injury, thats when i started starving myself and all of that above. But I started exercising recently ,not running or anything, just calisthenics other than jumping jacks and things that involve jumping. I’m getting a surgery in 5 days and thats REALLY stressing me out. But, after that I won’t even be able to exercise as much as I DO NOW, and im so terrified of gaining any weight. Whenever I skip a day as a rest day from my exercise, i get scared again, i took yesterday as a rest day because i was exhausted and had lots of assignments to do, including finals, and today i feel way fatter and i just, ive always been built, i never was skinny or slender or small, ive always been on the built side. Everyone says that I look “skinny” and that I look “normal” but i feel gross, i feel huge, and fat, and seeing all the girls around me with their bodies that are well proportioned and me with my giant thighs and giant butt and stomach that’s gross and everywhere is just gross..its sad because I will never look like them..I’ll be sitting in class and ill be wearing my normal tshirt and jeans or something, and i get really self conscience about my arms, i also have stretch marks almost EVERYWHERE because my skin is tight and doesnt stretch well so if i build more muscle or do anything, stretch marks appear :/, and i put on my hoodie because i feel so self conscious. I am just so scared of gaining weight and being fatter than I already am, I’m 5′7-5′8 and 153 lbs and im muscular but like, i feel fat and lots of people say that im not but I am!!! I don’t know how they don’t get that…i just don’t know what to do. I’m constantly living with the fear of gaining weight, counting every calorie, logging everything i ate, taking weight loss pills, using weight loss lotions and everything else! And i dont know whats caused me to have this fear, but almost everyone in my family is obese and i dont know if that has anything to do with my fear or anything..but i get so much anxiety over it. why cant i just enjoy something that tastes good without having to feel the constant guilt of it and wanting to throw it up? Why can’t i just eat something and not feel like i gained 10 pounds? Why do my thighs have to touch? why cant i just eat something and NOT GAIN weight? :( ugh..

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