Posted 20th December 2015 1724

So one night me and my buddy were drinking. He broke out some hard stuff and next thing I know I’m waking up and I’m pinned to the wall with knives and my buddy’s foot is on fire ’cause he passed out near the fireplace. So I get the knives outta my clothes, and I pull him away from the fire, and I throw some water on his foot. Except it wasn’t water, it was vodka. So the flames got even bigger. And I’m so fucking drunk I don’t even know what to do, so I take one of the knives and I start sawing my buddy’s foot off. And it’s fucking nasty, I tell ya, just nasty, and the fire’s still going strong but I’m sawin’ away. And I get his foot off, and I throw it in the fire, and the flames leap out from the fireplace and I’m just like, “Shit.” And the damn carpet catches on fire! So I drag my buddy out into the snow, and it’s still nasty, and his house starts burning down. And I run to his neighbor’s house and I call for help, but nobody’s home! So I run back to my buddy, and phew! He had his cell phone on him. But I’m still out of it completely, and it takes me like ten minutes to figure out how to fucking call 911. So by the time help gets there, my buddy’s house has burned completely down and he’s practically dead ’cause his foot’s off. But don’t worry, the docs saved him. He got a sweetass prosthetic foot, too. It’s really killer. He’s also got a wheelchair he uses when he’s lazy, and sometimes we’ll take it out and go wheeling around like the mall or work or somethin’. It’s really fun.
So yeah, and when they asked me what the fuck’d happened to my buddy’s foot and his house, I told ‘em: My buddy brought out some weird ass drinks and we passed out, and when I came to the house was on fire and his foot was caught under some rubble. I coulda left him to die, but out of my selflessness I decided to save him. But his foot was trapped real good, and to get him out I had to saw it off. I felt real bad but when I learned my buddy lived, damn that’s all that matters.
So to this day my buddy and everyone I know thinks I’m a hero. It’s fucking fantastic. I’ve got my own holiday in my town and everything. No one suspects a thing.

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