Posted 12th November 2009 1015

I fucking hate life right now. XD Not in an emo way, just like I’m tired of all the bullshit, tired of being tired, tired of half-loyal family and quasi-friends.

It started out easy enough. I cashed my living check, got food and books. Went to class every day like a good girl, though I did no work in my regular classes from the start. My one online class I did everything for. Went to my psychiatrist/psychologist appointments and took my meds. I even lost weight, and thanks to a bit of reassurance from a good friend, started to like my body. My libido skyrocketed, and the same good friend helped me satiate myself online. Life felt good, even though I knew college was going to fall through.

But after a while, I missed a class here and there. I stopped taking my meds (Wellbutrin and Adderall) because I never remembered and my free insurance runs out in a year, anyway. I put back on a bit of the weight I lost(I blame my stopping Adderall, since it helps you lose weight). I stopped cleaning up after myself(my room and such). In short, I stopped giving a crap about things I never cared about in the first place, just put up with.

My first semester of college ends in December. And considering I haven’t done shit in 3 out of 4 classes, I know the end will not be good. I knew from the start that college wasn’t for me, but everyone who has ever read my rants about mom and my troubles at my old live-in school knows that not going to college would mean never seeing my family, and more importantly, my cats, again. Well, now that it’s nearing the end of the semester, I realize that the outcome either way would have been the same: go to college, fail, and never seen my family again VS not even bother with college, and never see my family again. My college and career counselor asked me why I was even trying to stay in college. This is why.

School has never been my thing. I prefer learning on my own terms, learning things I don’t already know and that I can find daily applications for or that I enjoy. I will never need the “advanced” math skills I’m being half-taught right now. As far as English, I’m a creative writer, not a term paper generator. Creativity does not just fall out of one’s rear end. It doesn’t just “happen”.

So I’m screwed, really. I give my grades to my old live-in school, and I’ll get booted off of the scholarship list. I’ll have to quit college, and pay for the online class somehow(which, conveniently, nobody told me wasn’t covered by scholarships). Then, being unable to go home, I’ll have to find an apartment, a job, and start living the humble life. I got back on Adderall, just to control my weight and help me focus at work, but I don’t need Wellbutrin. I cry just as much on it as when I’m off it, but I’m never suicidal either way. Never suicidal, just discontent with life’s boring nature. Discontent and apathetic.

College was my mother’s idea in the first place. Ever since I was old enough to understand, she’s pushed it on me. I went to college after I graduated because I don’t want to be disowned again. But OOPS, looks like that’s going to happen anyway, since I’m failing.

Open fire, kids. I’m done ranting.

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