Posted 2nd August 2010 1827

Part of me wants him to like me, and part of me really wants him to be totally oblivious so that i don’t have to think about being in a relationship again. I don’t want to have to worry about anyone again. Only myself. I’m tired of it. I was tired of having to deal with always wondering what’s going on in Mike’s head, and now, now my brain and heart want to take that on again? It’s bad enough that i’m crushing on him, but seriously… wth. I’m masochistic or something.

But i like him. He has wonderful truthful eyes. He’s got a kind heart, he loves to teach, he wants to enjoy the world from what i can tell. He’s talented, he’s creative, he’s passionate, and he’s basically everything that Mike never was. I was oppressed in my marriage. I was never appreciated for what i was, and everything i wasn’t was held against me. That’s no way to live. Everything i told myself i was looking for in a new guy is right there in front of my face…. and it’s so tempting. It’s so tempting to just give my heart away again and not have to deal with it myself. I don’t think it’s very fair though, to dump something like that on someone. It’s actually a pretty awful thing to do.

I don’t know. I want to fall in love again. I want to know that i’m able to do it. But i’m so afraid of being hurt. So afraid that i’m going to be hurt so bad. As i type this, i’m ninety percent positive that he’s not even interested, and doesn’t even recognize me as a woman and not a student. Which is frustrating, but safe for both parties. I can get over him on my own without dragging him into knowing about it, and nothing ever gets awkward.

but my heart wants it to be other ways. This is going to be hard to get through.

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