Posted 19th December 2009 1619

Sometimes I wish I could do it all again. I’d live through abusive stepfathers, middle school from hell, moving from place to place, depression and PTSD, all over again just so I could relive the short moments of bliss I found here and there that have long since gone away.

The year and a half I lived in New Mexico was wonderful. As a young girl, all I could think about was how happy I was there, even when my stepfather was wailing on my mother. When that man’s foolishness made us have to move back to Pennsylvania, I sobbed. Everything that felt so right, I had to leave behind. Coming back to PA was so painful! I had to deal with the kids that teased me in middle school once more. And it made me yearn for the acceptance of NM.

My two years in boarding school for poor kids was hard. The cleaning was intense, the rules were strict, and the expectations were high. But in going there, because I felt so caged, I explored the side of myself that I feared was taboo. Using the internet, I found a site for people who have fetishes, and met a man who turned my world right-side up. At first, he was just some guy who shared all my fetishes, and we RPed them out. But after a year or so, we became close. I even gave him views of me that nobody but the man I marry will ever see. It was agreed that we were ’spiritmates’, and we even got close enough to say ’I love you’. We called and texted each other daily, always being affectionate. But as time went on, a few months after I began college, things started going downhill for both of us. And he seems to be distancing from me. Is it because I worry too much? Is it because I’m not nearby enough to visit physically? Or is it because of something he’s feeling? Who knows. But not being as close as we used to be makes me want to go back and do it again.

So I guess I wish life was like a DVD player. I wish I could rewind to re-experience all the good parts of life, because right now, things feel sort of desolate and dull.

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