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Still can’t move on.

Question

Posted 17th March 2011 148

The love of my life died in an accident a few years ago, 2 weeks after we got engaged. It’s five years later and I still can’t move on. Every woman I meet reminds me of her. All my friends, my family, even her family have all encouraged me to start dating again, and I’ve been on two or three dates, but it always feels like I’m cheating on her. I haven’t told anyone I feel this way, I just say I haven’t found the right one yet. I get the feeling that none of them believe me. I think they can all see past my little lie and know just how stuck on her I am.

Sometimes late at night, or early in the morning, when I’m half asleep, I still talk to her like she’s in bed with me. I still feel her in my arms, still smell her hair. But those moments pass, too too quickly.

Her parents say to me that she would have wanted me to live my life, and the best way I can honor her memory is by living to the fullest. My parents say she’d expect me to move on. My sisters keep trying to set me up on dates. They all think I’m depressed. But I’m not depressed, I’m actually pretty happy with my life. I’m 31, have a decent career (Just finished a second doctorate, and accepted a position as a professor) I enjoy good health (no serious illnesses and I’m in pretty good shape), do some volunteer work (a soup kitchen, youth mentoring, and a pro bono law firm), and I make sure I spend time with friends and family. I don’t think I’m wasting my life or anything, as some people seem to imply. I just can’t let go of her.

So am I stuck in self pity? Am I wasting my life? Am I insane for still being in love with her? Or am I alright and should I just tell everybody to let me be?

Thoughts, opinions, advice, good jokes. All welcome.

Thank you for reading.

In Love with a Ghost

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Comments

Posted by Ghost’s wife 27th March 2011

I know what you’re going through. My husband died 7 years ago in combat and I still can’t move on. Been on a couple first dates at the insistence of my mother, but can’t bring myself to seriously see anyone. I’m still in love with my husband and don’t want anyone else. I don’t think you’re depressed or anything. Your life seems full of goodness. Don’t listen to people trying to make you betray the memory of your fiancée.

BTW congratulations on the second doctorate.

Posted by I Love with a Ghost 18th April 2011

Thank you Ghost’s wife. I’m sorry for your loss, but its nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation. Friends and family all mean well, but wouldn’t it be nice if they knew when to butt out.

Posted by Move on 8th May 2011

I don’t get it, if u’r so happy with ur life, howcome u don’t move on? Are u like crazy ugly and get shot down alot? If that’s the case, the only woman who would ever have u is dead (and she was probably ugly as u) and u will be alone for the rest of ur life. so stop faking happiness and admit u’r miserable.

Posted by In Love with a Ghost 14th June 2011

@Move on
That was cold, uncalled for and unappreciated. Try and show a little class.

Posted by Anonymous 6th July 2011

Of course it’s gonna be hard to move on if she was the love of your life and she died. It’s gonna take time until you find another person you love. I’m not married, but I already told myself that if my husband dies I don’t plan on marrying anyone ever again, unless I’m still young and without kids. You just gotta find that one person you love that will help you move on. Best of luck, and I’m truly sorry for your loss.

And @Move on, learn to spell and grow up. It’s people like you that make this world suck.

Posted by In Love with a Ghost 16th July 2011

Anonymous, thank you for your compassion and advice.

Posted by Not Today 5th September 2011

Yo, man. I feel you, I know it sucks to always have this hanging memory of someone you love looming over your head and heart. I haven’t had a loved-one die on me (knock on wood) but I know what it’s like to be left and abandoned. I know it’s seriously irritating and annoying to have people push you to be dating and all that. I wish you eventually find the happiness and peace that you are longing for. You’re honoring her memory and you loved her with all that you have. I would even go as far to say that this world will be better with people like you who love wholly and truly (add Ghost’s Wife to the mix).

Hope your heart heals soon and no need to force yourself to fully get over someone yet. Take your time.

Posted by Moi 8th September 2011

Be who you want to be. There’s no use in wasting others’ time because you’re not ready/haven’t found the right one yet. You will be wonderful, with or without a woman. ;)

Posted by Author 25th September 2011

@Mol and Not Today

Thank you for your compassion and understanding.

Posted by Author 25th September 2011

The admin from the place I do youth mentoring recently asked me to consider adopting a baby girl who needs a home. I love kids but I want to do what’s best for the child, and she needs both mother and father.

Thoughts?

Posted by Ghost’s Wife 28th October 2011

I think you should adopt the baby girl. I get your point about a child needing both parents but kids need love above all. If you can love her half as much as you loved your fiancee then she’ll be just fine.

Also, I wanted you to know that reading about your second doctorate inspired me to go back to school for my Masters.

Posted by Author 8th November 2011

Ghost’s wife, thank you for your thoughts. Your time and consideration is appreciated. Having weighed the decision carefully I decided not to adopt the little girl. I the end I do not believe that it would have been in her bests interests. I wish you the best in your continuing education. Do not be discouraged by difficult times.

Posted by Move on 9th November 2011

I posted here before and I just wanted to say sorry for saying those mean things. I was in a really bad place personally and I guess I kinda took it out on you. I really am sorry for your loss, but your life seems so good despite it. I guess thats what ticked me off. I cant make my life be good.

Really am sorry

Posted by Author 3rd December 2011

Move on, No worries about your previous post. We all get into bad places and sometimes just need a vent. You too can make your life “be good”. It takes work, time, patience and most of all you have to believe that you desrve a good life. Family and friends are important as well as being involved in your community, within the limits of your time obviously. I wish you all the best.

Posted by Spinning Wheels 3rd April 2012

You wanted honesty…. It seems to me like you’re stuck, either in self pity or something else, but you’re really good at masking it. I have no doubt that you suffered a serious loss, and that you must have loved her very much. But let’s consider this, you’re an educated man, you know intellectually that you can find someone else to be happy and build a life with. Maybe you’re afraid to love someone again because you don’t want to be hurt by a sudden loss again. Or maybe you went through your mourning period and you just got comfortable being alone so now you don’t want to face the discomfort of dating again. Dating means getting out there, meeting people again, getting to know someone all over again, cutting through all the bulshit and games people play. It’s a pain, especially for someone who had found something special. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but you did ask….

Posted by Author 9th April 2012

Spinning Wheels, Thank you for taking the time to give my post some real thought. I also appreciate the delicacy with which you worded your post. It is possible that you’re right, and I have gotten comfortable being alone, and just don’t want to go through the circus of dating again. It merits some reflection.

Posted by Harsh Truth 1st July 2012

It seems to me that Spinning Wheels might have hit on something. In the end you just have to ask yourself if you want a family of your own. If you do then you need to get out there and start dating and trying to find someone special. If you don’t want a family of your own, then you’re fine just the way you are.

Moving on and building a life for yourself is not disrespectful to your fianceè’s memory. You mourned her, you honoured her, and I’m sure part of you will always love her. But none of that is any excuse to hide from life.

So do you want a family of your own or not?

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