Posted 6th May 2009 914

Right now my life seems like some awful soap opera, or something you might see on reality TV (which I feckin’ HATE).

I’d been dating this guy for two years, and became increasingly frustrated with his lack of motivation and success in a number of areas, and slowly fell out of love with him. Once I told him we were through, but I died inside when I saw how utterly crushed he was, and although I tried not to, I immediately told him to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened. After that I was happy with him for a while, but realized later I was living a lie, only dating him still out of pity.

At that point I left to study abroad in Ireland. Couldn’t bring myself to try and break up with him before I left, because I knew I would just fail again, so I sent him a long e-mail explaining everything, and that ended it.

He called me once in a while after that, but he actually broke down and cried a couple different times (which I have never seen him do before). I felt awful, but confident I had done the right thing.

In the meantime, I met a German guy who had everything my ex didn’t have that I had wanted. Besides that, he is an absolute gentleman, loves doing things for me, treats me with absolute respect but knows how to have fun.

I enjoyed going out with him, taking funny pictures, etc. and really wanted to post them on Facebook for my friends to see, but worried it would make my ex feel like I had dumped him for someone else. Eventually I told the ex what was going on, and he wasn’t happy, but understood that our breaking up and my dating the German were two separate events.

My ex and I continued talking to each other, and I still have feelings for him. I didn’t know what to say when he said he still loves me, so I just said I loved him too, figuring he would understand that I meant as a friend, that despite what we’d been through I still cared about him.

Now it’s evolved into something else.

He thinks I LOVE him, love him. And I’m not sure if I really do or not. But I miss his voice and can’t stop picturing myself getting off the plane at home, and being wrapped up in his arms.

My ex was a major part of my life for the last two years, and I’ve been studying abroad for almost 6 months now. I have never been away from home this long and miss it incredibly, but I miss him just as much. What kills me is not knowing whether I still love him, or if I only miss him because I have associated him with home for so long now.

He wants to get back together when I come home, but my German boyfriend has said that he would be willing to move to the States to live with me as soon as he finishes his master’s thesis this summer.

I want to continue my relationship with him, but I’m afraid I will just go running back to my ex when I go home and ruin my future with the current bf. I HAVE to see the ex when I get back, at least to say goodbye one last time, but I’m afraid I care so much about him still that I will get back together with him just to see him smile again.

Jeezus. I should have just written a book. Sorry guys.

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