Posted 3rd April 2011 2419

So i’m kind of expecting this to go on way too long…
My parents divorced when i was like two, so its no big deal, it never really bugged me or anything, but no i’m in highschool and i have all my friends and fun at one residence and nothing to do at all at the other.
I grew up always having to work for whatever i wanted, a lesson taught to me by both my parents, but recently my dad was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder, along with severe knee damage in both legs. Instead of trying to get back on his feet and actually do something he insists on leeching as much as he possibly can from his mom/the government. He is currently unemployed/disabled (i can’t even keep up anymore), but instead of using his extreme excess amount of time to help me out every-so-often he finds whatever possible excuse he can to not do anything for me. If i ever need a ride i can expect him to be 20 minutes late, and i’m a person that thrives on punctuality so it drives me nuts.
So this is my freshman year in highschool and i’m taking the highest possible classes available, and i honestly have no trouble with them what-so-ever. i understand my classes more than probably any other single person in my grade. And my grades are straight A’s, but straight A’s aren’t good enough for me. i should be freaking valedictorian but instead something always screws me up, either my teachers decide to screw me over, or i just get too damn lazy to do homework or something. This isn’t that big of a deal but adds on the stress.
As a freshman i joined crew and i made the freshman 8 boat, yay. But crew takes up everyday of the week, literally. we practice for 3 hours after school monday-friday, morning practice on saturday OR we race, then a race on sunday. i never get to sleep in or have anytime for weekend homework. But now i have to do it.
Last year i saw someone who i thought/think is/was the love of my life for about 7 months. During this time i kind of ditched my friends, or maybe just didn’t make an effort to hang with them. But last april this girl called it off and i was basically left with nothing, no girlfriend and practically no friends. I started to rebuild my social life and by the summer started being close with some friends again, until my mom sent me away to CTY- AKA nerd camp for 2 weeks over the summer, where i lost any social progress i had made and had to restart from scratch. Now it seems everytime i try to hang with someone they either don’t respond or they can’t have anyone else over. which is ridiculous because there’s always room for one more person, its not like i’m rowdy or will drink tons of alcohol and get everyone screwed or something. I don’t know if they do it on purpose or what, but they consider me a friend so i don’t even know.
Back to my last year’s relationship, sure i know if anyone even bothers to read this they will say i’m a freshman in highschool and don’t know what love is or some shit, but i’m not some naive little queer that fell in love with the first girl he ever got to know. This girl… i can’t even explain it. she lives life different from other girls, she isn’t bitchy or preppy and she… use your imagination. She’s has same thing all the other girls have that guys go insane over. She got to know me and fell in love with me, but some how i messed it up and she moved on… to my bestfriend, then to my OTHER bestfriend. freaking great. but that ended and she started seeing some junior and they’ve been seeing eachother for a while now, but by this time we’re like “bestfriends” and everytime they have a problem she comes to me to rant. I just want to say “leave him, come back to me,” but i can’t, because i know she won’t like me like that ever again.
Today i was supposed to go over her house and watch a movie, but she ditched me just like she has every weekend since christmas, then my backup plans with my friends fell apart, because they ditched me too. so i’m sitting home alone on my saturday night just like i have for the past month with nothing to do about think about how my life should be different if i hadn’t found a way to screw everything up/ if God loved me.

Now i’m sure nobody read that entire thing, but i felt like organizing my thoughts a little.

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