Posted 27th March 2016 38

I’m really sick and tired of life right now. I don’t see any point in living in this damned society where expectations on a child is as heavy as it is now. I wish I could’ve been born in the 1950s, where the american dream was to have the wife stay at home and the husband out working. I know, as a girl, it’s selfish of me because I would be sheltered away from the harshness derived from society, but that was what the tradition was right? Now, because I was born in a relatively affluent family, the expectations for me to do better is extraordinarily heavy. Moreover, I am asian, so I dare say that the competition and pressure I feel is even heaver than most. I am not a driven person. I don’t feel motivated to do many things other people may work their ass off to do. Honestly, at times, I feel like I’ve been depressed since middle school as I don’t enjoy doing anything. I don’t feel anything: happiness, sadness, loneliness, ambition…I am purely living day by day, trying to get by by doing what is expected of me. But, recently, I noticed that I have made mistakes that set me back to the point where I cannot fix it. I wrecked my social life by shutting myself into my apartment. I let my grades drop to the point where I cannot attain the GPA I want. If I cannot get into this specific law school, I don’t know how I will face my parents. I don’t know what their reactions will be. Maybe I should just commit suicide. Run away from the hardships that come with life. I don’t know. Do I even have the guts to end my life and bare with the consequences of committing this sin? Do I have the courage to leave my family with the shame and sadness of knowing what a failure of a child they created? How will they feel when they find out that all I’ve been doing was lie to them about my grades. My social life. My “success.” I know that maybe my life can be turned around, if I were to put a little effort into doing so. However, I just don’t see my future anymore, as the chance of getting into this law school is basically 0%. Maybe I should spend what little money I have in my bank account and fly to a rural area where no one will find me. Maybe go “camping” and just die peacefully there. This world man has created, although, it has made life “easier,” but it’s also taken away the smaller enjoyments in life. It’s essentially created machines who work for the majority of their lives, breed the next generation of robots, retire, and the cycle continues. It’s created tiers where every level has some sort of expectation placed upon them, and when they are left unachieved, the individual is considered as a failure and left in the dust. I don’t want a part of this cycle, not just because I’m already left in the dust. The person society carved out of me, I hate her. This materialistic, shallow girl who gets the shorter end of the stick whether it’s receiving a promotion or getting into a college. As a minority, we cannot beat the blacks or hispanics in getting into college, as our grades are much superior than most. Colleges need diversity, so the bar set for us is much higher than our minority counterparts. But, when being considered for a promotion, we cannot beat our white counterparts. Where is the equality in this world. Why don’t we all just go back to history, where the asians stayed in Asia, moving through the dynasties, while the Caucasians battled for the land of America.

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