Posted 11th June 2011 2022

I don’t bloody get it. I never do anything half-assed; I finish my assignments ahead of time, I always complete my homework, I listen tentatively to my college lectures, and I’ve always maintained a good relationship with my teachers.

My semester examination results was released last week, and I did pretty ok. Nothing to shout about, but something I can live with. I studied my ass off for it, but I STILL could not accomplish my goal of getting straight A’s. It’s alright. I can try again.

And then…I found out that this girl in my class, L, who has always taken her education so half-heartedly scored the highest in my class. As in 30 marks higher than me. 30 FUCKING MARKS.

This world is fucking unfair. I’ve put my heart and my soul in everything I do, and I am still lagging behind everyone else. It’s so frustrating that I have to study so hard just to scrape through. I’ve always lived my life behind someone’s shadow; I was never pretty to start with, so boys have always considered me too unattractive to be considered a potential girlfriend. I was never the smartest student, either…I was within the top 5 of my class, but never THE top. I am not particularly talented in anything…what is my purpose? what is my strength? I still don’t know. I’ve always felt so discouraged, so angry, so…tired. Tired of having to strive so hard, and still fail.

I’ve tried so hard to accomplish things for myself; I’ve set my goal to graduate the top in my class, and get a good grade point average to earn myself a scholarship. I keep pushing myself to be better, but honestly, what is the fucking use? I’m starting to have doubts as to whether all this effort I’m investing in my future is even worth it. I’m tired of never getting the results I want.

I’m angry. I’m tired. I seriously am. I look in the mirror, and all I see is a failure.

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