Posted 21st March 2016 1321

I’ve been struggling with this problem for maybe even for five years now. It’s gotten to the point now that I am paranoid, though it is partially my fault. It just puzzles me how something so insignificant, something so small and different can be life-changing for them. Hell, I don’t even see it when i look in the mirror at myself everyday. I don’t see this horrible person looking back at me, no. All I see is me, looking back calmly at myself. However, many things that have happened contradict this.

For one, I hate how it seems that no one looks at me, like I am some sort of monster, or that I have offended them. Sometimes, I even hear unpleasant things like, “he cockeyed” over and over again (apparently, they are too good in English to put a verb in the sentence). It had driven me to insanity so many times that I’ve practically lost count. And you know, I don’t even have double vision! How am I cockeyed when I don’t see it myself, when I don’t have double vision, and nothing feels wrong?

Over the years, I felt like I was a dumpster. People kept saying this and that about me, and it felt like it was everyday! And like a dumpster, it starts to get full and you have to put it somewhere else. I guess you could say that I’m releasing all of my emotions here. Being an introvert, I don’t like sharing how I really feel 90% of the time.

And that’s one of the reasons I got myself into so many books, anime, video games, you name it! I wanted (and I sometimes want to now) to escape from the seemingly dumb reality and not worry about this and that Everyday. It’s like people make a bigger deal with it than it really is, and now I’m freaking at my turning point.

I’ve probably been through all of the emotions: Sadness, self-pity, fear of people, nervousness, and things like that. I’ve tried so many things, done so many things that I…I give up. I give up on people in general. If you are different, they do not give a complete shit about you, especially if you are different physically. But NO…I’m kind, honest, and helpful, but that does not mean anything if you don’t look it, if you don’t look…right.

It’s strange. Life is strange I guess. But I can’t keep harping and harping over the same things. Life moves on, and so will I, finally.

And if you’ve noticed, I have written this like how a book (kind of) would be written, cause I’ve read a lot of them and I feel influenced by them. So.

Today, I leave my past in the past.
Today, I will be myself not not hate myself.
Today, I will not be controlled by other people because of how I look.
Today, I will not take trivial things personally.
Today, I will speak up, no matter how I feel.
Today, I will change the way I think. Today, I will not be nervous anymore.
Today, I will do my best everyday.
Today, I’ll make a path for myself, not from others.
And Today, I’ll be the best that I can be. I need to redeem myself for these 4 or 5 long years of madness.

Oh, I forgot. Here are some facts about me:

I’m 18 currently
I dream of being a computer scientist and/or a author.



This is rant is not only for me but for everyone suffering as well. Don’t let how you look control your life! Think about it: How many things you could have done but you refused to do because of how you look, or how other people may think of you? If that’s you, than please don’t feel alone. There are many people like me/you on the internet who share these feelings. It may feel like the only person on the earth is you sometimes, but I can guarantee that you are not. And never…EVER…think about killing yourself. I’ve done that many times through my hard journey.

Remember: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You can’t expect anything to change if you don’t make the move.

If you are still reading this then god bless your heart. Hope you have a wonder day. :)
-peace

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