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Posted 24th February 2010 67

I’m sick of myself. I’ve become so tired of waking up every morning that I sleep through as much of the day as I can. I don’t want to face people. I feel like a complete, useless failure.
I’ve been looking for work for two years and still no success. I’m sick of being turned down for everything and sick of having no money.
My closest and oldest friend is going out to dinner for her birthday, to some buffet. I can’t go because I don’t have the $25 to pay for it. I feel awful about it.
I feel like I’ve tried so hard to change my situation and haven’t received anything positive in return. I see myself as a constant burden and disappointment to everyone I know.
It disgusts me that I am the way I am. I try to avoid being seen by my family while I’m in the house. Every few nights I can hear my mother telling my father how she thinks I’m a failure and will never get anywhere in life. Usually I just sit in my room, just trying to will my body and mind to shut down. I rarely even bother to feed myself, and I can’t sleep during the night. I just wish I could stop everything but I’m too much of a coward to seriously contemplate suicide.
I don’t tell anyone I know in person about any of this, because I don’t want people to know about how awful I always feel. I feel like I’m being a stereotypical teenager, and I don’t want to annoy people I actually with my problems but I hate keeping everything inside. I want people to know what I’m feeling, but it scares me to think that they would ever connect these feelings to me. I don’t show any of this on rare occasions when I’m around my friends, they don’t know about any of it. I told a few of them that I’m doctor diagnosed me wit depression, which he has, however they all think I’m joking. Which I guess works in my favour. They don’t think there’s anything going on beyond the person they see.
The only think I look forward to any more is seeing my boyfriend, but he lives a fair distance from me, every weekend I make a two hour train trip to see him, and then another two hours to come home. I barely have enough money to buy a train ticket most weeks. We’ve been together for several years now, and even then he doesn’t know most of this to the extent I’ve written here because I don;t want to be a pain in the ass and tell him how I really feel.

I usually just spend most of my week in this negative stupor. I wish all the things I’ve worked so hard for would have paid off. I wish I had something to get up for every day of the week.

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